So today is my birthday. I am now 20. I've been sort of having an ambivalent battle over my birthday. Why?

My family has many expenses in the winter. December 19th was my older sister's birthday, her 30th, and she's the indirect source of a lot of my woes. She's a very outgoing and is a strong-personality to handle. She's the exact opposite of me. She's the sun and I'm the moon. She's always been in the spotlight and always kinda has to be in order to feel good about herself. Point is, my parents spent a shit ton of money so she could have a party bus and party all the way to Las Vegas. Now, just the fact that she was going to Las Vegas of all places just made me roll my eyes, because she likes to play hypocrite a lot. And I don't want to go deeply into this, but to make it short, she nags me about things a young Christian lady shouldn't do and yet….where does she go? Sin Capital. And I'm not gun-ho religious nor will ever claim to be. I'm honestly nowhere close and neither is she. So it kind of really irritates me when she has this holier than thou persona thing going on.

Anyway, I'm getting off point. My parents paid a large sum for her birthday and two days after was their anniversary. Now I don't care that they spent money, because I love that they get to go out for whatever reason. They're very hard workers and I love my parents to death. But then comes Christmas, the most expensive holiday ever.

I know I shouldn't complain and be happy with whatever. I should be grateful because some people don't even get anything for their birthdays. But still, I can't help but be saddened by the fact that I will be getting leftovers for my birthday. I haven't really celebrated my birthday since like 12. My sister always gets a big shebang. Even my little brother and my older one. Maybe, just once in a long time, I want my birthday to be really celebrated. Maybe a want a whole shebang too. Is that too wrong of me to ask? Should I just be grateful that people even remember?

Then I think, "What's the point?" What kind of big shebang can I have? I was talking to my mom a couple months ago and discussed maybe having a party for my birthday and she didn't mean it in a mean exactly, but she said, "Who are you going to invite? You don't have any friends."

Semi-true. I have very few friends, each very busy with their own lives. Even if I just invited family, not many would come. A party would be pointless, but its just sad that I can't even have that.

Now this is the real thing that makes me feel bad. My boyfriend, the sweetheart that he is, remembered me mentioning a long time ago that I loved the idea of archery and wanted to try it someday. Guess what he did? He made it a surprise, but I figured it out by accident. He had found a place where they do one- day archery lessons. He set a time and everything. Finally, someone made an effort and it was a beautiful effort to surprise and celebrate my birthday.

Now here's where I'm torn. I mentioned it to my mom the other day and she questioned whether or not I was going to spend my whole day with my boyfriend, whose name I should mention is Gordon. Then I questioned going altogether.

Not only am I nervous and scared about archery, because new things honestly scare the shit out of me and I'm afraid of failure and doing poorly, but I'm conflicted about leaving my family behind to do this activity as it would take up a big chunk of the day. I know they want to spend time with me. I just don't want to displease anyone. I don't want to make Gordon's efforts to set something up for me to go to waste, but I also don't want to practically ditch my family. I'm honestly torn. I'm trying to please everyone and I don't know if I can. If I can't, then its going to upset me in some way.

Now this may not seem like a big deal, but this is a lot of stuff boiling over and finding a source to escape. I've been stressing for weeks over my birthday because all my life, I've lived in shadows of my siblings and have always kinda been in the background. And each year, on my birthday, a day where I'm to be celebrated, I always seem to be disappointed. I always want to break free from the shadows but it never really seems to happen. Should I be this conflicted about it? It's making me more upset than I thought it would and should.

Can you see the stem of the problem though? I don't want to be in the shadows anymore and I really fear displeasing those close to me.

I just wonder how my birthday is going to turn out.