Sorry this might not makes sense but I needed to express myself in a blog.

I really don't know who I am anymore. I have been experienceing epicodes of depression and epecoides of mania. I'm waiting to see and shrink who can diagnose me with Bipolar.

The thing is half the time i don't know what i'm doing. There have been times when i have been so bad its like i had no control over myself. Its like the depression had taken over. Its really worrying cause they are getting to the point where anything could happen. My self harming has gotten worse and the cut have got deeper.

I can't control how i feel. My mood can change within a split second. I spend half my time now worrying about what i'll be like i a few mins. Wondering if one min i'll be fine the next i'll be trying to kill myself or something along those lines!

I've done some online bipolar tests. I know they aren't that reliable and that they are a diognosis but there is some fact within them. Anyway i've done like 3 different ones and they all have come back with more or less the same result. In one of the tests I scored 34. It said that if you scored more that 22 then they think it could be bipolar type I or II and they say that i need to get a detailed clinical assessment to conferm it properly.

I guess the only reason i'm worried about getting this dioagnosis is that if i do indeed have bipolar, then that will stop me getting a job within Social care. which is what i really wanted to do with my life. I do understand that being bipolar wont stop me from doing something similar but its just put a spanner in the works. I just don't know where to go from here.

My mind is so messed up. Right now i just want out. But i know that thats the easy way out and i can't let this get the better of me. I will fight this illness, i will get over this.

Despite that its so hard not to just let whats going to happen, happen. We all die in the end, so whats the point in trying to overcome this when in the end if this doesn't kill me then something else will. I'm slowing loosing hope that things will get better.

It feels like noone really understands how hard it is to deal with. I can't really explain to them why i'm like this. In the past i have just tried to find something to blame for me feeling like this but in reality whether that happened or not it wouldn't change how i was feeling or how i was acting!

I just so want to be normal. i want to be like everyone else. I never thought something like this could ever happen to me. I've seen loads of soaps showing poeple with bipolar being really mental and having to be locked up in a paded cell in a straight jacket. I guess thats whats really make me deny my symptoms to be anything like the symptoms for bipolar.

This is so stressful. I'm in the middle of my year 11 exams. I've already done 6 and i have another 11 to go! I really struggling to cope with this! 😐

I just want it to all be over!!! :(((((