I don’t know where to start. I just feel so alone here. I’ll tell this to my friends and they’re all like, “You have us.” Right. Sure they’re great friends and everything, but I’ll always be the extra of the group. I only joined the group around last year, since my other “friends” became so distant and left me for popularity. This group has accepted me, but two of them are best friends, and the other one has known them since kindergarten. They don’t understand.

At lunch/break, they were all talking about the middle school dance, and how there just weren’t nice boys to ask. They kept going on about how they wouldn’t want to ask anyone. I muttered, “I know who I would ask…but…you know. And at least you could ask them…I can’t.” One of my friends (who I’ll call “Natalia”) said “All of us have problems. Middle school is hard for everyone.” I was going to say something sorta like ‘Yeah, well you’re not a trans-guy who’s seen as a girl!’ But I didn’t. Why? Because I haven’t got the guts to bring it up. Because I’m tired of reminding everyone and trying to explain what it feels like. Natalia is like one of my best, but worst friends. She can listen and stuff and talk sense into me, but then she can exclude me from things too. Natalia, “Shay”,  and “Ginevra” are all sometimes included in stuff with the popular group, and I’m not. Natalia gets invited most. Gee, thanks for caring so much that I wasn’t invited.

My parents might be the worst people with understanding. And with them, I’m the worst at sticking up for myself. I swear, after I came out as trans, they’ve started making points of the fact that I’m a “girl”. I want to correct them, but I just can’t. They’ll call me “bud” and then correct themselves and say “honey” and I really want to say “Bud is fine thanks. ” I just don’t have balls. Figuratively and physically. Therapy just makes it worse. I want to tell the therapy lady this and have her talk to my parents, but she is on my parents’ side. They keep saying, “Don’t put yourself in boxes and barriers,” and I’m thinking “What about the closet I’ve been stuck in for my whole life?” Recently I told my teachers I’m trans, and my mum freaked out, saying I’m telling EVERYONE. She also was like “Can we just think of it as a phase?” And I actually responded. I said “No. We. Can’t.” So yeah. That’s why I think no one is here for me. No one to understand.

6 Comments
  1. cazeiler 2 years ago

    Hi DiAngelo, I’m new here so this first post is a test.

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  2. cazeiler 2 years ago

    Oh, I’m kind of just on your page, then. Not on the main page. I’m impressed because you don’t write online like a lot of middle school kids. You actually write sentences and use punctuation. Thank you!

    I’m glad you’re here. I won’t mince words: You are in a tough situation so please don’t underestimate your response to it. You told you mom that you can’t, and she can’t, consider this a phase, which shows that you are strong, even if you don’t feel it.

    I often feel alone and I think that two things are going on. One, I have a higher need for intimacy, interpersonal intimacy, not sex, than most people and two, depression makes it so that I don’t feel close to people even though I have them in my life. So maybe you share some of that as well… just thoughts…

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  3. cazeiler 2 years ago

    Oh, I’m also thinking that it could be good to say what you wrote out loud to the therapist that you see, about how you’ve been in the closet your whole life in response to her boxes and barriers comment. Looking back, I see that therapy could have been more helpful if I had articulated what I was thinking and feeling, even if it felt unacceptable or rude to say it out loud to the therapist.

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    • Author
      diangelo 2 years ago

      I actually was thinking the same thing. Except with me, I would probably yell “BURN” right after it, so I’m not sure.

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      • cazeiler 2 years ago

        Just do it! If therapy isn’t helping, yelling “BURN” won’t make anything worse, will it?

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  4. Author
    diangelo 2 years ago

    Good point. Tomorrow I have therapy. Wish me luck. Preferably good.

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