I don’t know where to start. I just feel so alone here. I’ll tell this to my friends and they’re all like, “You have us.” Right. Sure they’re great friends and everything, but I’ll always be the extra of the group. I only joined the group around last year, since my other “friends” became so distant and left me for popularity. This group has accepted me, but two of them are best friends, and the other one has known them since kindergarten. They don’t understand.
At lunch/break, they were all talking about the middle school dance, and how there just weren’t nice boys to ask. They kept going on about how they wouldn’t want to ask anyone. I muttered, “I know who I would ask…but…you know. And at least you could ask them…I can’t.” One of my friends (who I’ll call “Natalia”) said “All of us have problems. Middle school is hard for everyone.” I was going to say something sorta like ‘Yeah, well you’re not a trans-guy who’s seen as a girl!’ But I didn’t. Why? Because I haven’t got the guts to bring it up. Because I’m tired of reminding everyone and trying to explain what it feels like. Natalia is like one of my best, but worst friends. She can listen and stuff and talk sense into me, but then she can exclude me from things too. Natalia, “Shay”, and “Ginevra” are all sometimes included in stuff with the popular group, and I’m not. Natalia gets invited most. Gee, thanks for caring so much that I wasn’t invited.
My parents might be the worst people with understanding. And with them, I’m the worst at sticking up for myself. I swear, after I came out as trans, they’ve started making points of the fact that I’m a “girl”. I want to correct them, but I just can’t. They’ll call me “bud” and then correct themselves and say “honey” and I really want to say “Bud is fine thanks. ” I just don’t have balls. Figuratively and physically. Therapy just makes it worse. I want to tell the therapy lady this and have her talk to my parents, but she is on my parents’ side. They keep saying, “Don’t put yourself in boxes and barriers,” and I’m thinking “What about the closet I’ve been stuck in for my whole life?” Recently I told my teachers I’m trans, and my mum freaked out, saying I’m telling EVERYONE. She also was like “Can we just think of it as a phase?” And I actually responded. I said “No. We. Can’t.” So yeah. That’s why I think no one is here for me. No one to understand.