i hate the feeling of being alone. this day was so long and being by myself makes it all that much longer. the only relief that i had today from the loneliness was a email from my angel, who i met on this site. today was boring. i am waiting for the basketball game to come on ay 8:30 pm. at least my mind will be occupied, even if it is only for a while, while i hope for long term relief from the illness they call depression. i do what i can to achieve that relief…i go to group on Tuesdays, make ALL my appointments with my therapist and physician assistance (who does a med check). i take my meds (i am very committed to that). i do what has to be done but i fall short of beating this illness. i miss who i was and how things were before i got sick (three life changing events took place in a short amount of time). this has been the greatest challenge of my life. i want to be happy again. i miss the companionship of a female but i do not feel worthy of that companionship in the state of mind i am in (i never told anyone that before this blog entry). i hate the emptiness of being alone. i feel something is missing in my life…that special someone. i need to feel loved again…cared for again…and to love and care for that special person. i hate the betrayal i have experience from my ex. i hate the power that betrayal has over me as i do not trust like i used to. it has taken so much out of my life. i need relief from that betrayal.
i have come to the conclusion that "we truly do not know what is another persons heart"…and i do not like that fact. people can say the right things but are they true? how do we ever really know? at the same time i want to be able to trust again. i want to allow someone in my life to relieve the loneliness i feel. my angel sent me a email and the word "friend" was in the title. i feel it's a start as i do not take the word "friend" lightly. we are able to talk to one another on a level i never thought i would find. a level of non judgmental, honest friendship. i am glad i joined this site. i am glad she's in my life even thou she's hundreds of miles away. i am lucky as she has brought me a level of relief. relief that i thought was not possible a short time ago.
i have so much to say but will end my rant (blog entry) now. more to come for sure…..