Number three!!! Yikes! I was sooo soo nervous before meeting him today i nearly called it off! He had things to do in the morning, fair enough..so we met after lunch and went to walk his dog round some woods behind this lovely pub in the countryside..I took my camera and got some incredible pictures! we walked around this lake with the water glistening and i felt like i was in paradise..Then we went to the pub after for a drink, i had a cider, he had a coke..(he paid) oo lala! Then the original plan was to go to the beach but he wasn't feeling up for it (he had a groggy throat) and was doped up on pain killers. So right, we went to pick up a film from the store, then we went back to his, swapped cars, and i drove us to another resurant nearby..i'd never had an indian meal before! It burnsss!! If i felt the conversation getting awkward atall i just took a spoonfull of the spicy dipping sauce to set my mouth on fire as punishment..seems silly now coz its still numb! So yeah it was going great until we got back to his..He's dropped hints before about previous dates and stuff..stupidly i let this wind me up! anyway im rambling!!!!!!!

We went to his room, things got steamy, put it that way! I was beyond nervous, i didn't say a word just lay there while he put his hands all over me. I froze. I knew my ex quite well as a friend before we dated so i was more comfortable around him coz i knew he was safe. But this guy is older..by 6 years! The last older guy to kiss me, didn't have permission to! And annoyingly that's all i could think about!! I didn't know what to do! its only when he started pulling my trousers off i said no, he tried again a few mins later and i had to say NO again! i was getting panicky by this stage! I WISH i could of told him why..but i can't 🙁 im scared he's using me..'practise' 'another knotch on his belt' he is a charmer..*sigh*

wtf have i got myself into?!?!?! my mum is getting really excited about this new budding relationship! and its the first time i've ever been open to her about a relationship..She watched me crumble as my last relationship ended so i think she is happy to see my 'happy' again..i think i am? i dont know….just feeling pretty relieved i WAS able to say NO today 🙂 and he did respect that, i just dont want him to run 🙁 my head hurts.

goodnight X