AFter feeling creepily alone yessterday, I felt very blah at work at first at least. Later today a few times Ihad that awful "clinical depression" feeling….and I have made the mistake of buying and drinking hard cider, which like any alcohol depresses me. My doc had me lower my antidepressant dose in order to get more energy to do things. I have the energy now, but I feel like shit about myself. Most of all I hate how I look. I colored my hair, now I look like I am wearing an ugly black wig!!! I am spent so much time and energy losing weight and now my hair looks awful :(.
Argument with my Daughter tonight, she mentioned that the house always looks messy…..we both know it does, but it is something she doesn't nornally say to me and it hurts. I told her that I feel less like picking up now since I broke up with Gary. I also am DREADING on-line dating. I don't want to kiss anyone, hug, hold, touch. I am not ready, but I want a friend….a good guy friend. I feel so sad.
I don't work the rest of the week. Today was actually pretty good overall, except for those "clinical llike moments, and my Daughter refusing to help with the groceries and mentioning how lazy I am about keeping things neat. I feel shitty right now. I wish my life were so different. If only I could waive a magic wand. I think so many people are happier than me. I work real hard at things sometimes, but I have really screwed up my life. Here I am alone, feeling so unconnected to the world…..the drink did not help. I looked at my Facebook feed tonight, just depressed me….seeing what other people are doing, thinking. I haven't had anything to add recently. Just feel like a blob…..that kind of describes it, a blobwith ugly hair.
wish I hadn't had the cider…now I am going to have some choc chips, another mistake…..but hopefully I will sleep ok. Am going walking in the morning with my neighbor, and then to pick up some medicine for one of my cats, buy an alarm clock…..I'd like to visit my parents maybe tomorrow and actually pickup the living room and kitchen……It would actually be better if someone else would pick them up, but there is no one else.
Well, guess I will take my meds and have some choc chips, maybe lie in bed and either think happy positive thoughts or cry and grieve my life…..not sure which.
I see I just got a message from one of my old friends here (Elf). I will wrap this up and go read the message. Hang in there everyone….I have found that it always gets better eventually.
Don't look at Facebook!!!!! Everyone only puts "The Good Stuff" on there. Sort of like the Christmas letters. I made a fake letter once where I checked off answers. Went something like this: Sorry I haven't written you in a while. I was
A) In Jail
B) On a CIA special assignment
C) Working undercover for the Queen
D) Picking my nose and couldn't stop long enough to hold a pencil.
It wasn't for Christmas because I was probably too late for that. But It was funny. It was just a fun way to remind everyone that life is real and full of problems and not the rosy thing that so many make it out to be. I would love to do another letter like that and let everyone know ho depressed I am, but I don't think most people would know how to take it. They'd all want to give me advice and tell to take/don't take meds. Do therapy/don't do therapy, they just screw you up even more. Besides it would embarass the heck out of my husband and kids.
Just don't compare what you see on Facebook to your life. Those are the highlight reels and you are probably comparing it to the stuff of your life that is hitting the editing floor or headed for bloopers. Also remind yourself that most people who show off new cars and vacations are in debt up to their eyeballs. And many of those folks could be suffering from depression and anxiety just like we are, but you can't tell from FB. Stop beating yourself up about FB.
I'll confess to you what I did while waiting for my meds an hour ago at the pharmacy. I see where you ate some chocolate chips; I ate a whole package of chocolate donuts. Not about to post that on facebook, but will share with you, my friend.