I used to be terrified of change when I was school aged. I think my wish for change to stop occurring has come true. And with that has come a new kind of hell. I am pretty sure I have not changed in the past ten years. I am still antisocial, I am still pessimistic and I am still dependent on medication to find even a sliver of hope each day to keep me alive.
I know I have said this before but even in my imagination I no longer can picture a happy ending or even a reason to live my life to the fullest until my time is up…whether there is a higher power or not.
How the heck am I supposed to tell my psychologist what is going through my head? The hospital will do nothing but add more financial strain and put a burden on my parents because one of our dogs has to be let out to use the bathroom. And not to mention the hospitals around me are not equippedto handle mental illness. The hospitals near me are more geared towards those struggling with addictions.
I am so wound up and at a loss as to a solution–that would benefit other and myself and not just me…I wish I could just cryand scream until there is nothing left!! Maybe then I would feel cleansed in a sense and know what if feels like to relax for once!! I think the coping mechanism I have built–shutting off my emotions–has made it very difficult to let go enough to let the tears fall and to let the walls down…
I wonder if I knew a fool proof way to end my life would I take it? Is it the small chance I may fail keeping me from attempting anything or is it a wavering belief that there is a more intense form of hell? I'm seriously beginning to think 'Hope' is something for kids, much like the belief in Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
-
Tortured Moments
Germane, , Depression, Child, 1
Tortured moments. I have been living in hell these past 48 hours. I have no memories, but the feelings...
-
Forgiveness
Afternoonn, , Depression, Wellness Tips, Anger, 0
Everyone goes through something in there life and it may hurt it is ok to take time to grieve...
-
Sexually Harassed
LATSD, , Depression, Career, Lesbian, Gay, LGBTQ, 0
Sexually harassed as a gay male is embarrassing and I was humilated and ashamed. I tried to keep quiet...
-
Not my life, my story.
lilmissbored, , Depression, Suicide, 0
Ever since I left secondary school, other than my friend who has been a great friend for 5 wonderful...
-
Are you a man or a mouse? I’m a queer!
NeutralLemon, , Anxiety, Depression, LGBT, Marriage & Family, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Lesbian, Gay, LGBTQ, Sex Therapy, 1
Hi! So let me get started here and introduce myself first before I ramble about part of my life...
-
Distractions
AMR0728, , Depression, Career, Child, Depression, Questions, 0
I was thinking today about distractions, and about how our entire lives, no matter who we are, are filled...
-
I''ll be alone on my birthday..and I''d rather plan to be alone than have it forced on me
redhead20, , Depression, Anxiety, Depression, Stress, 0
I feel weird, not exactly depressed, more like scared, anxious. I feel so alone right now, like no one...
-
Don't know what the hell to do with myself anymore…….
unadorable, , Depression, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Personality Disorder, Sleep Disorders, 0
where has aprille_spring gone? she just started talking to me and i felt that she's the only person i'd...