Today I woke up early again after another nightmare. I thought the lexapro was supposed to decrease the dreams. Guess that will come with time. The morning is foggy and drizzly but quiet. I came to work with my husband again. He's working I'm sitting here blogging. On the drive there was little talk lots of introspect. He rubs my leg while I drive. There is comfort in that. I have scheduled to have my nexplanon taken out next week. I guess if God wants me to have another baby he will if not I will accept that as well. I know in my heart my husband loves me it's just getting the images and pain from my head and heart that is the problem. Our oldest daughter moved back home and our youngest turned 18 yesterday still at home too. I thankful that they are there right now. Even though it adds stress to the home I know that he will never be alone. I keep watching the parking lot here waiting to see the other woman's car pull in. She never does but that fear lives deep inside me. Fear is a living breathing thing inside. Not sure how long these feelings will last but every day I pray that God either takes me or these feelings/images from my mind. I have been pulling away from my daughters telling myself that I'm making them more independent but in reality I'm cushioning them from needing me when I'm gone. 2 weeks ago my cat died my daughter cried and I held her. The only thing going through my mind was relief. Relief that I had one less responsibility to leave behind. I prayed that the rest of my pets would go soon after. I know in my mind that that was a sick way to think but honestly my feelings were real on it. I was numb to her pain and couldn't stop the relief washing through me. This is not like me at all. I am an animal advocate and worked extensively with animal rescue groups. I am a gardener and loved to work outside. Now all my plants are dead and I can't summon the want to even water anything. It brings me satisfaction when another plant withers and dies. One less worry. I feel like my brain has abandoned me like I'm not even the same person anymore. I don't know who I am now. All I know is that my entire day is spent waiting for my heart to be shattered and my nights are spent in agony watching my husband with another woman in my nightmares. I wish this would stop.