Without meaning I'd rather be dead.

But apparently not, cause I'm still here, without the balls big enough to quit trying yet without the inspiration to make life meaningfull.  But is it even possible to make life meaningfull in light of the fact of evolution and the straight cruelty of the natural order of things??  I guess I could [i]make[/i] meaning, but I wanna FIND meaning.  Yet, I know I won't.  The true test of virtue for me is to live [i]in spite[/i] of the apparent lack of meaning… to go forward for the sake of reduction of suffering in both myself, and others. 

But what does that [I]mean[/i]??  What do I do [i]right now[/i]??  I just drove an hour home from therapy and am feeling really depressed.  Moreso than normal.  In these times of despair a usually escape with a nap or a joint or both… but my goal for today is neither.  I'm proud of myself, actually.  I've made it this long throughout the day with neither (been home half an hour and here I am), but yet I know not what to do with my damn depressed self.  With goals that are simply the absense of doing something, one is left with the void of doing.  I feel I'm on the right path if I can develop proper sleep patters (hence not napping) and reduce weed intake, yet I question what it's all for if life is this unenjoyable.  If my body was a house, it would be uninhabitable; too run-down and unsafe to be suitable for anyone, yet here I am, trying to treasure what is trepidly decrepit while sometimes scheming how to tear it down for good.

I've had a tough but sucessful Xmas season, and part of the sucess lay in the fact that I have been more encouraging to myself than usual, so I'm thinking I should highlight my some achievments for myself in the hopes of reducing this current hour of depression.  I know if I can get through the next few hours the day will bring a "2nd wind".  This time of day is typically tough for me, thus I must do things such as this to combat the lingering depression.

Achievments of the Xmas Season 

-attended a friend's Xmas gathering.  His band was playing, and I knew there was going to be a lot of people there, including many who I'd rather not bump into… but I faced it and went anyway, while maintaining a positive outlook which infact gave me the motivation to accept the awkwardness that ensued.

-attended a friend's birthday party.  Again, knowing there would be social situations I'd rather avoid, but somehow embraced the situation and made the best of it.  It was slightly painfull, but much better than sitting at home obsessing on random worries and compulsively analyzing till my smoke enough weed to pass out.

-Felt surprisingly stable at the two family gatherings I had.  I went to them with a different mentality than usual (a mindful approach which i've been working on with my psychologist) and felt the payoffs ie: no panic, minimal awkwardness, not fighting obsessions, or taking "time outs" to "get my mind right".

-Made an anxiety ridden phone call to my cousing.  He left a message asking me to call him back about something slightly important.   I figured he was gonna ask me to be an usher at his wedding in March, and I was right.  The hard part was to decline.  Phone calls like this are extremely anxiety ridden for me, and I usually just don't even bother callin back, letting people think of me as they may… but this time I decided to do the socially correct thing… and I even reduced the post-call analysis through meditation as soon as I hung up the phone.  Using heathly means of dealing with this type of anxiety is precisely one of my over-all goals, and will eventually lead to an over-all sense of better well-being.  I'm glad I called, glad I was able to say no, and glad I used meditation to face the obessions afterward.

-Wasn't overwhelmed with depression on New Years Eve. Unfortunatley, reflection can cause depression, especially when my pre-depressed life contained giant new-years parties and a sense of social-achievement depending on what "cool-stuff" I had going on for this evening.  My current lifestyle is the opposite, and though I like my life simple and minimal, the solitude can be depressing, and I obsessed on spending new-years eve alone.  Luckily I noticed this comming on a few days before, and since I know that things work out better if I don't worry (since worrying leads to avoidance, obsession, and depression) and did my best to flow with whatever happened.  Sure enough, my roomate decided to forgo the party he planned on attending and we went over to some mutual friends and just kicked with in a chillin/partyin kinda way.  It turned out to be good times with minimal stress and encouragingly endorced what I already knew about not worring about social events.

…there are many victories I had over the holidays, many very small, simple ways in which I "think different" and use the tips from cognative therapy combined with kabat-zinn's view on mindfulness, but I simply dont' have the energy to review all of them.  I feel slightly encouraged just recounting these small but monumental victories, and I hope I can keep my head above the water in order to do what's in the interest of my mental health in the future.

Just the act of reviewing these sucesses right now is in itself a small victory, for if I encourage myself rather than beat myself down, eventually I hope to enjoy my life.   …