It has been awhile since I blogged and been on here. I hope everyone is doing well, and I look forward to catching up with the community again.
So how are things? Well, that isn’t so easy to answer. While I don’t seem to think about my OCD thoughts as much as I used to, they still creep in all the time. When they do, they create horrible sadness and depression. A sadness that I have felt for a long time now, and a sadness that is wearing me thin. A good example of this was a few months ago, when I went to see my favorite band ever play live. I had seen them many many times, and every time was amazing. I never felt so alive and happy. But this last time, in between these great feelings, I would also feel horribly sad and my mind would think of my girlfriend with this other guy. (Remember, she didn’t cheat on me… she was with one other guy during a 1 month break we had while dating. She had lost her virginity to me, but never told me, and slept with this one other guy after we had hooked up) It was like a constant reminder that I shouldn’t feel happy, or that this moment was not as good as I thought it was. It was horrible, having to bring myself back to focus on the concert. It was a struggle to stay happy.
I don’t know how much longer I can really stay like this. If it was 2 years ago, I would end the relationship now. But I have invested so much, and we have grown so closer, yet this still exsists. I remember in one of my first therapy sessions, my therapist asked what one of my biggest fears was. I said that my girlfriend and I would get married, and on my wedding day I would be thinking about her with this other guy. Unfortunately, that seems like something that would totally happen, and I don’t know if I can have that or stand that. I’ve been thinking about what it would be like and feel like to get married sicne I was a little kid. This can’t be it. And the worst part was that my therapist said that I will probably think that on my wedding day, but I just have to react differently to it. No, that’s not an option to me.
Thanks for reading,
SD
I don’t know that you have to think differently and much as not becoming a prisoner of your thoughts, which it seems is what is happening now. But then that’s the ocd. Do you recognize it?
Ya, I definitely recognize it as OCD. But it doesn’t seem to help. By recognizing the OCD, I have moved away from getting "mad" and "angry" at my girlfriend about what happened. That was good, and something I had to let go. But not I am just sad and depressed. I have taken it out on myself.
The really bad part is that I am starting to incorporate physical coping mechanisms into my OCD now, and this is something new that I never did before.