Here I am after suffering with OCD for 45 years…maybe worse than ever. Meds helped, at some points I thought it was gone but always resurfaced. I haven't read too many stories exactly like mine, of course there are similarities, but although my OCD right now is religion based, it is not scrupulosity. It is actually having prideful thoughts like the devil did on his fall. They go on and on and are so deep the only way I can explain them is onto infinity where I can't even express what they feel like. In some strange way, the thoughts tell me to rebel against God for making us like these little puppets who are supposed to follow all his choices and go to Hell. I have been always an idealistic person, with my first OCD fears of going to Hell, not really accepting Jesus as my Savior(i.e., I could never really mean that enough) fears of the end times, fears of the Holy Spirit taking over me and making me into someone else, fears of being perfect in Heaven.These somehow have evolved to this most recent "rebellion and pride" and somehow my idealistic ways tell me that I have to rebel against God to be idealistic for mankind's sake. I wish I had the old OCD fears, those were easier to "solve." I'm on meds and no longer have serious panic feelings, but my mind just gets so "stuck" trying to examine these thoughts, trying to find some way to refute them, but sometimes I really feel like I'm accepting them more and more and have actually slid into the "dark side." I've been thinking of this Mayan 2012 calendar. I read something that said the earth won't end, but it is a turning point into the next "era." As a Christian, my thoughts go to…perhaps this will be the end times, the seven years of utter terror as often things happen disguised in every day life, and then thinking of will I be left behind if Jesus comes as I used to think as a young teenager. I always felt like the end would come before the end of my life. I also married a man I feel that God tried me to stop from marrying twice still I've always felt that I would be okay, that I was someone special. But I wonder if, because he's not a Christian, somehow Satanic forces can get at me more strongly now; that God has removed some part of His protection of me. I don't like the way my Pure O has evolved; I'd almost (ALMOST) prefer to have the panic attacks and still fear God. Until the age of 12 (when I got Pure O) I was so happy and wanted to be a missionary. Most people with Pure O have low self esteem, I have the opposite and wonder at times if I also have some type of Personality disorder. Anyway, I'm going on and on but it just feels good to get this all off my chest. I'm currently doing OCD therapy for the first time; maybe it's making everything worse for awhile, but at the age of 57 you don't have a long time left to have a life. So that is depressing as well. Seeing my ageing mother shows me that my capacities will only be diminishing as they are already. There's no time to "start over." Thanks for the opportunity to vent. There's a lot more hope for people with OCD now, thank goodness. When I was diagnosed at the age of 33, there was almost nothing for the disease. My son also has it, but he will have better tools to work with.