Do you ever wonder who you are? I do, I always have…and as you wonder…do you ever think, what in the hell, was I thinking when I came here..do you feel like a fish out of water? Well I do and I always have…and no matter how I try and fit myself into this earthly plane…I just never quite fit…never have and Im pretty sure I never will…this is not my home…I am not from here…I am sure of that….but oh how I long for home…how I long to be where I fit just right…where everyone knows me, accepts me, understands everything about me…There are two parts of me…one is mental…and the other is emotion…but mostly I am Love…You see I remember coming here, to this place, this mirror image of my home…to this desolate, overwhelmingly negative planet…oh I brought some tools with me…Faith, Hope, Love, a bright optimistic attitude,,,a friendly nature, a stubborn belief in miracles, humanity, and all things majikal…a genuine love of all living things…I guess I had some great ideas about what I intended to do here, what I might learn from the experience…Spiritual growth would probably be at the top of the list…but maybe I didnt think it all the way through when it came to being able to experience emotions…because I do feel emotions so very deeply, and over the years I have learned to have a bit of a hard shell,,,and push down the emotions as far as I can…because they make me feel so helpless and weak…and because I have experienced so many kinds of emotions…well I sometimes dont want to acknowlege how or what Im feeling…it is just too painful…and I wonder how much more I can take..I guess as much as I have to…like now…after all these years and after so many terrible things to go through,,,I think maybe I can just coast thru the last few years before I go home…but apparently this is not the case…because this pain I feel right now, this old familiar pain,,,well its back with a vengence…and I can literally feel my heart being ripped out of my chest…and I am so afraid I may not overcome this,,,I dont know how much strength I have left…You see this is the Love of a Mother for her child…and I have come to hate it…because it is constantly tearing me to shreads…and I just want to go away…far away, where there is no one who knows me at all, and where I have no family…Family,,,has always been such a difficult thing…and maybe thats what I came to learn about…unconditional love…I dont know…all I know right now is Family is PAIN …and suffering, and this illogical unconditional Love I have for them,,,is the biggest pain in the ass Ive ever had…most of all my pain is from family..and I am so freakin' tired of it…Parents,,,what a joke…the most hurtful creatures….and children…God,,,no wonder I was only blessed with one…Blessed hmm not sure thats the right word for it…more like project…and right now I think I get a very low score on mine…somehow I have managed to screw up everything…and now after 29 years I feel like saying,,,Please God,,,PLEASE can I have a make-up test??? Because all I ever did was Love my son,,,but who could know so many bad things and obstacles would be in your way? And right now my heart is breaking…and I have such a feeling of dread…it is taking everything I have to try and beat it down and think…THINK!! Think of a way to help and fix everything, think of a way to save this lost soul who is my son…I just can't bear it…nothing I do works…and I feel so much despair, and i feel so small and lost…and you know crying doesnt help,,,never does…but I have been crying for 2 days now…and I keep going back over my whole life,,,and how I raised him, and you know, Im not perfect, no one is….but when I look back, I can see a very young me…and she's pregnant,,,and the father does not want it…get an abortion he says….and she says,,,go to hell…and he leaves…she miscarries at 3 months…but when she goes to the doctor the baby is still there…she does not realize at the time, she miscarried his twin…And even though this girl is all alone,,,she couldnt be happier about the baby,,,because she already Loves him so much…she knows it is a boy…she thinks of how she will give him a loving life like she never had…and when he is born…and she sees him, she is filled with such Love,,,she can hardly contain…she loves him so much,,and everyday she loves him more,,,she plays with him walks with him, talks with him…she guards him like a Tiger guards her cub…and if anyone should think to hurt him,,,well, God help them…she learns fast just how cruel and difficult the world can be…especially for a single mother…and they have all the hardships most single mothers would have…maybe more…because it is neverending…one thing after another so fast her head spins…she is constantly in survival mode…because that is what her life is and always has been,,,survival…and every terrible thing you can think of has happened to her…and still she goes on…Im pretty sure she had a couple of nervous breakdowns…but when you are so poor, and have a little mouth to feed,,,you just cant aford the luxury of a breakdown…shes been on the suicide hot line a few times…contemplated suicide…but then, who would care for her boy?…NO! she has to keep on, he difinately cant be raised by her family…and not his fathers either…so on she goes…you could make a huge patchwork quilt of there life together,,,all the events of so many life lessons…and she never is able to give him all she would wish for him…but she passes on her knowlege,,optimism, Love,honesty, every lesson she has ever learned,,,good and bad…but in the end none of that helps him…when he is 13 he is dipping skoal…14, smoking pot and drinking whiskey…she doesnt really know this until later,,,she is working…he drops out of school,,,she puts him to work,,,tries to tell him how much more difficult his life will be without an education…pretty soon, he's got an older girlfriend,,,with two kids,,,next a baby on the way…he is still on alcohol and drugs pretty bad,,,then his best friend dies of an overdose,,,,on purpose…and this destroys the boy who is now 18,,,his friend dies in his arms in the middle of a highway…and so he crawls deeper into the bottle, and drugs, and for 10 years she and her daughter in law,,,share a home and family,,,and try to heal him,,,they try even though he hurts them with his abuse,,,each one is beaten by him once, and a hundred times by his words…but still they love him so much…until finally they are broken,,,and they go their own way for a year or so…then they are all reunited, and it looks like things might be ok, but he still has the same problem,,,and they cant live with his cruelty…so they put him out on his own…but he has a terrible problem with being alone,,,so he drinks more,,,does more drugs…loses one home to a fire, another due to drink, they take him back and help him,,,but have to put him out again…this time she gives him everything she owns, her home, food, belongings…pays his bills for the month…and the next month is so very hard on them…and he has a month to find work, but does not look…so here he is back again,,,and drunk the first day,,,so he is out again…and she thinks this is her fault…she gave him 10 dollars the day before,,,should never have done that…but hes been sober for almost 5 months,,,with only a couple of slipups…so now he is out on his ass, no home,,,he did get a part time job…but that money will probably go for drink…and still she is heartbroken,,,and still she tries to help,,,but the bills are all paid, and she hasnt the money to help,,,and his words, firt nice, then mean, then talking suicide,,,and it rips her heart out…and the pain is neverending…and she wonders will she survive this time….and I wonder do I even want to? I just want to go so far away,,far away from the ones I love, because those are the ones who always hurt me,,,the only ones with the power to do so…and I am so freakin' weary of this place…and all these emotions…and I have to wonder…..did I really choose to be here? What could I have been thinking??? I really want to go away….someplace safe, and soft, and warm….a place with no emotions…that is exactly what I need…someplace high on a mountain in the forest…where no one can find me…that would be nice I think…far away….from everyone.
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