first off i hope everyone is doing well that being said i hope you will bare with this blog i am having a bit of an issue with my minds state when i found out in 02 i took it pretty well and as the years have gone by i feel that i have keep a by most accounts a great outlook on things but i have come to a point where i am just tired and tired of being tired every day is a struggle just to get up the island i am on as the feeling of sinking nothing is fun anymore i am questioning things of faith i didn\'t use to give a second thought to i am struggling here to keep my head up i feel i am fighting a good fight i feel fine and that should be enuff but its not i can\'t seem to shake the clouds over my head  i am sure that the doc would put me on something but to me its a temporary fix i don\'t know i have stopped sheding tears many years ago man i need to get out of this funk and man up like i have always done in the past but my will is gone my fight is gone and i guess for the frist time i realize my heart is broke man to have just some happiness true happiness not for show so my famliy thinks i am doing good this is my mess and i will suffer it i am just tired and i don\'t know how to fix it and thats a problem man its nice to be able to put my thoughts down somewhere its a little bit of a release i have always found a way to cope but its getting harder these days and i don\'t know why that is  i can most of time with deep thought and other things get it out of my system but this one is not going away and that is hard for me to come to terms with man i should be able to handle these feeling why is it not working this time  anyway  thanks for reading this if you have thoughts i would love to hear them everyone here has a story and i know we are all connected by this condition and for that i am thankful because we may not always agree but we understand each other and thats worth a lot to me its nice to release my thoughts lets me see them way from my mind i think i will be fine i always pull myself up with most of the help coming from the man up stair i think i will spend some time with him tonight maybe you would say a little prayer for me aswell and i will do the same i don\'t know everyone on the site but i will cover the whole site its the best i can do thanks again for taking the time to read this its from my soul and its true pain i am talking about and i am trying to cope  god bless