Early 2018 at a support group I met somebody and we quickly became close friends. We told each other everything. We talked nearly everyday. Early into the friendship I realized that I was always the one asking to hang out, I was always the one initiating everything, but I didn’t mind. I also realized that often when we planned to go out she would have an excuse why she couldn’t go always at the last minute. She didn’t feel well, her elevator broke down, she needs to stay and wait for the plumber etc… I should’ve seen the red flags then but didn’t. A few weeks ago everything came to the surface and I told her she was a horrible friend and that she lacked empathy. And haven’t spoken to her since. She blocked me on social media. Maybe I shouldn’t have lashed out at her like that, but she was flaky overall.

I need to do a better job controlling my anger and I’m still learning. This summer has been particularly brutal in terms of depression. I now realize that I was a better friend to her than she was to me. I was there for her when her father died tragically. I was there for her when she was dealing with the trauma she experienced in college, and I was there for her when she struggled with feeling like the black sheep of her family. I thought those things made us close, but she obviously felt differently. There was a time when I really liked her, maybe even loved her, but that time has clearly passed. In the nearly 9 years that I’ve known her she’s asked me to hang out with her only 4 times. The first time was when I had suicidal ideation. The second and third time we went to the beach and out to eat. And the fourth time only after I called her out for being flaky.

She no longer wants to speak to me anymore and that’s clear and It’s also for the best. If she can’t see why I said what I said then she’ll never understand. All the time we spent together probably didn’t mean much to her and that’s ok. Her silence says a lot about the kind of person she really is. A person that doesn’t confront problems but runs away from them. Whatever issues she obviously has aren’t my problem. The only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on.

I no longer want someone like that in my life and I definitely don’t need it or her. I should’ve seen it sooner, but better late then never. Someone once told me people aren’t who you want them to be they are who they are. Someone else told me unless it’s life altering people don’t change. I now know that no amount of aggravation or divine intervention or anything else will get her to change; she will always be flaky and two-faced. A person who works in mental health and tries to preach tolerance and acceptance to her clients over the phone, but doesn’t extend the same ‘generosity’ towards someone that was once a friend. It’s ok though. I need to be better. I can no longer let my depression and anger get the better of me.  I have to learn to be more levelheaded. Every memory I have and everything that exist will fade away. Nothingness is inevitable. All things, good and bad are temporary and will eventually end because nothing lasts forever.