ok, sooooo…. i have this damn situation. I have been taught to guard the foundation of my recovery at all costs…..b/c really, it's all i have to go on. Well, circumstances in the past 2 years have really FUCKED w/ that foundation. I had a seriously SOUND foundation w/ an awesome sponser, friends in NA w/ NUMEROUS years of clean time….. friends and acquaintences who WORKED "the program….." etc. Well, I got somewhat romantically involved w/ my SPONSOR and it BLEW UP. I ended up using behind that shit. Not only did i use behind it, but i also cut off alllllllll ties w/ anyone who i associated w/ her which was my entire recovery network. REALLLY bad decision on my part.  That was about 2years ago. Since then i have developed a new network of friends… true friends, but not of the same mentality of abstinence and the 12 steps.   I have been drinking on and off for the past 2 years and I'm reaching a point where i need to really make a  serious decision.

This decision has kind of been forced upon me. My on and off drinking hasnt caused any problems….YET.  HOWEVER…… the company i keep is causing me  spiritual pain.

My very BEST friend in the world….. i am the godmother to her son…..  this friendship is being called into question in my mind in the frame of protecting my recovery. This woman is absolutely incredible. She's fucking BRILLIANT, funny as FUCK, political, challenges my thingking etc. I absolutely love her to death and would do anything for her. HOWEVER……. her fiance just got out of prison and her and i became really close while he was in prison. I have become her support system and a surrogate mother figure for the absentee father in prison to her SWEET baby AJ. Well, now the dad is out of prison and that certainly changes the dynamics a bit but this dude has  some serious mental illness.  I feel protective of this child i have helped raise for the past year while dude was in prison. My best friend made a promise…… they made a promise to eachother to take care of one another…. but then theres me. Its a wierd dynamic. But thats not the point.

My issue is…. dude has been clean for 18months while in prison and has been out for a month and has stayed clean. Well, this past weekend he TOOK my friends car, saying he was going to the store…….and never came back.  He's a crack addict.  He went on a run.  He left my friend, the mother of 2 young children w/o a vehicle, w/o a carseat/stroller etc cuz the shit was in the trunk of the car…. and decided to go use.

I have ABSOLUTELY no feelings for this man. I dont know him b/c i became really close w/ my friend when he went back to prison on a parole violation. I was her labor support person thru her high risk pregnancy, i helped her out financially while dude was in prison, i took care of that baby as if he were my own. I have no personal feelings of obligation to dude….. but my friend does.

NOW, my issue comes in because i need to make some decisions. My foundation of my recovery is based in ppl w/ clean time and ppl that work steps and ppl that believe in the "process." My  friend is and AODA counselor and she's more of the "harm reduction" philosophy…..which is fine for her.   I dunno. I feel like my foundation is being eroded b/c of my associations. It was ok when it was just my friend b/c she's been abstinent and using hasnt been an issue. But now her fiance is in the picture and he has a tendency to take off and go off the deep end of active addiction w/ crack.

As an aside, I have NEVER been a part of that drug culture. I never did crack, i never "copped." My using was solitary and sterile. I shot up w/ clean needles as much and as often as i wanted to b/c i had unlimited access to demerol, dilaudid, morphine, fentanyl, etc. So my drug history is a bit unique to many of the addicts i know. This whole crack culture is foreign to me and scares the hell out of me.

I dont like not being able to trust ppl. I told my friend that her fiance is no longer welcome in my home. I told her if she keeps him in her life that OUR relationship is going to change. I cannot have that level of chaos in my life…..i just cant. When dude took off w/ her car this past weekend me n my girl heather went looking for her car in the seediest parts of milwaukee……crack alley…… and i felt myself developing resentments.  I felt VERY unsafe driving thru the ghetto looking for my friends car.

I dont know. I'm having serious issues w/ determining what my boundaries should be. Everything was fucking fine while dude was in prison. Me n my girl became the support system for my friend and as unconventional as it was, it worked. Now dude is outta prison and its all fucked up. I feel like i have to push her away, build up walls, develop boundaries because of the man she chose to spend her life w/.  It makes me really fucking sad. I know in my heart i need to pull away from the situation for my own sanity and for the safety of my recovery…. but GODDAMNIT. She's my best friend. I hate the fact i have to alienate ppl that i care about and that i love in order to protect my recovery. That in and of itself is a resentment.  

I did that a few years ago w/ friends i've had since i was a kid. They drink n stuff and i couldnt be around them w/o wanting to drink so i STOPPPPPPPPPED associating w/ some of the most amazing ppl i've ever known…..b/c of my recovery.

GODDDDDAMMMMMIT.

I HATE THIS SHIT. I FUCKING HATE BEING AN ADDICT SOMETIMES.

FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKIKKKKK.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

Why the fuck cant i be fucking normal?  I fucking hate myself, my life, my addiction.

fuck this shit.