I dont know if anyone has experienced anything like this……. I have seen into my own near future and it scares the shit out of me. My wife is recovering from a serious car accident, and wants to go to detox, I have a son who needs caring for, I cannot afford to lose time at work. The level of stress I am under is at that "crushing" point. I have lost weight and am not sleeping well. All this is without using….. My bills are covered and in 2 weeks I get paid. All I can think about is cooking up a blast the size of my fist. The part that worries me the most is that I feel like a spectator in all this. When ever I have felt weak in the past I have been able to focus, and crush the desire to use with the will power I have built over 7 years of living clean. I am looking for that power and cant find it…… 5 min later…. Pretty sure that if I could find some extra money I would be gathering a kit and be cooking right now. I have done everything your suposed to do…. Reach out, try to see past the addiction trying to trick me into giving up. I dream about rock, this is not supposed be happening.

Satarday Morning 03/16

I have always been the sort of guy who is at his best in a crisis. This however is more than that. For the last 2 weeks I have been running myself ragged trying to care for my wife, who is healing from her car accident, caring for my son who is 3 (as if that isn't hard enough), and working 10hr days. Very little sleep and no regular meals have left me weak and short tempered. 

Then my wife tells me that she is going to go to detox. 5 days without her. She is not working due to the accident so missing time at work is out of the question. Hope this dosnt seem selfish, but though this whole thing she has had everyone supporting her, family, friends, friends from N.A. helping with her injuries,supporting her in her decision to go to detox. what about ME!!! 

I gave in…. it would have been better if it had been garbage…..it ended up being top quality, easy to get, and fairly cheap. S.O.A.B!!!!!! 

Where to go from here…..Away from here. I moved away from my home town for 4 1/2 years and they were the happiest of my life. since coming back both my wife and I have been dragged back to our respective drugs of choice. my living arrangements suck. Im surronded by people but am compleatly alone. I have mixed feelings about it but to be honest, all of you, other addicts even if you are just reading this and never comment, are the only people on my team.