So yes, hello. Well, where should I start this little update? Personally, I just want somewhere to vent and rant, because I do not have real friends or family I can feel comfortable talking to.
I believe I last left off saying something about how my parents didn't take my emotions and depression seriously. And my therapist pretty much forgot about me, so yeah, that a total freaking plus there. My junior year has officialy ended and well, as I feared, I'm pretty much a failure at school now. I went from a 4.0 gpa to a 1.6 in one simple semester. I might not have enough credits to pass into the next grade, so that's great.
Everything was going fine for a while. I met this guy who was really there for me and had a lot in common with me. Being able to talk with him and play simple games and whatnot distracted me from the fact that I was deeply depressed. I felt normal with him, but until recently, that has changed. Quite a bit has changed in fact.
I write less and less. I cannot seem to find the motivation and concentration to finish my edited manuscript for my soon-to-be fully published book. And writing is my heart and soul and to be unable to write is…devastating and saddening. But what can I do? My parents have pretty much tossed me and my depression under the rug. They're not bad parents, but sometimes I really doubt that they understand me at all or how hard it is for me to simply live an ordinary life. They expect so much of me and whatnot and sometimes I don't meet their standards of a perfect daughter and I get lectured for it. The depression has made me massively sensitive and when I get lectured or whatever, I just break down. But its been getting worse. I don't just break down, I get angry, very angry. I've never been an anger-prone person, but it seems years of emotional build-up really does boil over eventually. Now, I worry myself because I get so enraged. I don't hit anyone or anything, but I have a tedency now to throw things or knock things over. I mostly think I do this because I am just so tired and frustrated of not being taken seriously, of my parents not taking into consideration of my feelings and condition.
They say things like, "Why can't you be this way? Why can't you do that? You should do this and that. Is it that hard to do this?" And the like. Its like they forgot that I was diagnosed. Sure, I've been patient. My family currently does not have the funds to properly get me help, but I would have thought they would have a least talked to me more about it or asked me about how I was doing and going about my depression. Maybe I was asking too much?
So I'm moving to a new city coming the end of this month. I'm moving into my uncle's old house. Its smaller and it will only be my parents and my little 13 year old brother. Its finally just us. I think I've mentioned that I've lived under my two older siblings' shadows? Yeah well, now they are both moved out. I'm going to be the older child in the house and I'm going to have more responsiblity. I'm fine with that. I don't mind that. I think its good that me and my brother will be getting more focus from now on. Speaking of my little brother, me and him haven't been that close until recently. I play a lot of video games with him and stuff. I would like to talk to him about serious things, but I never know how to say things. I really love my little brother and am doing more things to get closer to him, things like joining a Sea Cadet program where I will be exerting myself physically, which I hate, because I'm really lazy and weak when it comes to physical stuff. Regardless of that, if it means I get to spend time with my little brother, so be it. I'm kinda putting everything I have towards having a better relationship with my little brother, because none of us other siblings are that close. We're close, but not that close.
Anyway, since I'm moving, I'm going to be transfering to a new school. Its a nice campus and all, but I just hate being the new kid. I've experienced it before in middle school. I got used to being the loner and now, I don't really care at all. What I'm worried about is not finding my classes or if someone says something to me that I'll just react the wrong way or something. I'm afraid of not being able to go into my senior year. I'm afraid of being a waste of money, because my parents have paid a special program to help make our lives easier when finding me money for college as well as getting into one. I fear that I'll be dropped from that program or won't make the cut for college because of my massive slip up in my junior year. I'm scared about a lot of things. Mostly of having this depression forever. I hope it won't effect me too much while I'm in school, otherwise, I think I would just end up dropping out even though academics are everything to me.
So I seriously don't know what to do. I know that I need to finish editing my manuscript so it can finally get its finishing touches and be sold. I know that I need to prepare myself for a new environment and people. But what am I going to do about this stupid depression? How am I going to deal with it? I'm tired of ignoring and surpressing all of my emotions like i've done to get me into this mess in the first place. I have no therapist, no friends that I can talk to seriously. I have no outlet but writing what I think and feel here. Is that all I can do for myself?