I feel so incredibly pointless. Useless. Lost.
I sit and stare at 16 names in chat, and numerous mobile phone contacts and wonder who I can place my burden upon. Who can I send a message to simply saying 'I feel so utterly pointless and lost. I feel unhappy. In fact, in all reality; I feel quite numb.' But to put it simply, it is my burden. Surely this means I should deal with it alone. I know better than that, logically; rationally. But somehow my mind is stuck there. An irrational fear of asking for support because I am scared of placing my own burdens upon someone elses shoulders.
I wrote a brief message today, on facebook. A silly writing medium I know, but it was almost like I had nowhere else to write where I knew it would be seen. It wasn't a long post, something along the lines of 'I miss having female friends. I miss having friends to go for lunch with, or call when it's just me staring at my four walls. I miss being invited places.' You get the idea. It was fairly melancholic, and while I try to keep fb and melancholy a distance apart, sometimes the odd status will slip through. It didn't last long though. Someone who I thought was a very good friend (male) messaged me, practically ridiculing me. I wasn't even sure if he was being serious (as in sarcastic) at first, or if he was honestly trying to be helpful. Turned out he was being sarcastic, and in doing so, was ridiculing how I felt. I told him I wasn't in the mood for his banter, and that I genuinely felt lonely in that respect. He told me to 'get out more.' This, coming from the guy who see's me out every single friday and most saturday nights, who knows I work hard every other day of the week therefore making going out during the evenings almost impossible. What he said really offended me. But what did I expect from someone who doesn't have a job (and hasn't during the 2 years i've known him), who can socialise every day of the week in bars with his many friends, because none of them work either?? I could have said that to him, but no, I'm too nice to be that direct. I told him I was offended at his comment, and that as he well knows I get out as much as I possibly can, and I TRY. I talk to and meet new people every single week. I try to stay in contact with the ones I seem to have a good connection with. It isn't for lack of me trying. And then I pointed out that he'd never understand, because he has many friends of the same sex, and he;s not female. He won't ever understand the amazing friendship females can have, the closeness, the sharing. I'm not asking him or anyone else to understand. Just a tiny bit of empathy would have been nice. Or even better, to not comment at all, because all his comments did were to leave me feeling even worse, and in the end I deleted what I had written.
I only wanted a few people to 'hear' me, that's all.
And now I feel worse than before.
I'm sorry for the mini-rant this turned in to. I guess I needed to let it out.