I feel so incredibly pointless. Useless. Lost.

I sit and stare at 16 names in chat, and numerous mobile phone contacts and wonder who I can place my burden upon. Who can I send a message to simply saying 'I feel so utterly pointless and lost. I feel unhappy. In fact, in all reality; I feel quite numb.' But to put it simply, it is my burden. Surely this means I should deal with it alone. I know better than that, logically; rationally. But somehow my mind is stuck there. An irrational fear of asking for support because I am scared of placing my own burdens upon someone elses shoulders.

I wrote a brief message today, on facebook. A silly writing medium I know, but it was almost like I had nowhere else to write where I knew it would be seen. It wasn't a long post, something along the lines of 'I miss having female friends. I miss having friends to go for lunch with, or call when it's just me staring at my four walls. I miss being invited places.' You get the idea. It was fairly melancholic, and while I try to keep fb and melancholy a distance apart, sometimes the odd status will slip through. It didn't last long though. Someone who I thought was a very good friend (male) messaged me, practically ridiculing me. I wasn't even sure if he was being serious (as in sarcastic) at first, or if he was honestly trying to be helpful. Turned out he was being sarcastic, and in doing so, was ridiculing how I felt. I told him I wasn't in the mood for his banter, and that I genuinely felt lonely in that respect. He told me to 'get out more.' This, coming from the guy who see's me out every single friday and most saturday nights, who knows I work hard every other day of the week therefore making going out during the evenings almost impossible. What he said really offended me. But what did I expect from someone who doesn't have a job (and hasn't during the 2 years i've known him), who can socialise every day of the week in bars with his many friends, because none of them work either?? I could have said that to him, but no, I'm too nice to be that direct. I told him I was offended at his comment, and that as he well knows I get out as much as I possibly can, and I TRY. I talk to and meet new people every single week. I try to stay in contact with the ones I seem to have a good connection with. It isn't for lack of me trying. And then I pointed out that he'd never understand, because he has many friends of the same sex, and he;s not female. He won't ever understand the amazing friendship females can have, the closeness, the sharing. I'm not asking him or anyone else to understand. Just a tiny bit of empathy would have been nice. Or even better, to not comment at all, because all his comments did were to leave me feeling even worse, and in the end I deleted what I had written.

I only wanted a few people to 'hear' me, that's all.

And now I feel worse than before.

I'm sorry for the mini-rant this turned in to. I guess I needed to let it out.

5 Comments
  1. brain_misfired 8 years ago

    Here you can rant all you need. Because here you don't have to worry about your words being thrown back in you face

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  2. tosmileagain 8 years ago

    You can always talk to me! I like to listen…I understand!

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  3. Silent_Sigh 8 years ago

     Thank you all for your lovely comments. I signed off after writing this, otherwise I'd have responded quicker. 

    (((((hugs)))))

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  4. susu123 8 years ago

     i feel the same exact feelings i keep everything to my self i dont like to worry people with my problems but instead i always help people and they just dont realize that i need someone too so i keep on smiling but whenever am alone i just let it all out  and that scares me cuz i used to be such a happy girl full of life and gratefullness and now when when i look at myself in the mirror am like who is this and yeahhh so i just wanted to let u know that u arent the only one and u can always talk to me and we'll help each other out!! if u want ;D

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  5. Headcase 8 years ago

    I know this is a late response … haven't been on DT that long.

    But WOW!!! Holy crap & all that!!!! Here I've been for 30 years thinking I am the "weird" one, for doing EXACTLY what you've said in this blog ……. I know that sometimes you are SO lonely that even Facebook seems like a good idea … I've made the same mistake …. & the "riducule" & lack of understanding I have received has been from the woman that says she loves me WTF!!!!!!
     

    In future Silent_   just come & do your "ranting" here ….. at least here, you are with those that really DO understand …. & I can't speak for everyone, but I can asure you that, simply because of my own super-sensitive nature (& slightly reclusive) – as long as I'm here, there will be ONE person that will listen & understand where you're at.

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