Music does not fit my mood at ALL. I was just sitting here thinking – I wonder if anyone really understands how bad the depression is this time. I am doing a better job of handling it then I ever did before – so maybe that makes the depression look less serious.
It's an overwhelming part of everything right now. If it were not for the kids – to be honest – I would probably be in a hospital somewhere. But a long time ago – I made a promise that if I was ever suicidal – rather then act on anything I would run away. Just find somewhere to go and go. If I am ready to throw away my life – I might as well give a fresh start somewhere a try first.
But it doesn't matter. I feel trapped. I feel like I couldn't move even if I wanted to. I feel like because I have a wonderful doctor – and a job with good insurance and good people – that I am stuck where I am. I don't have the energy to start over with a family – I don't have the energy to start over in my job. And most of the time, I think it would be nice if all of a sudden I would just fall over and it would all end.
I have been through this before. I have fought nasty depressions and came out the other side – but it always ALWAYS comes back. So then – I wonder if depression is a part of who I am? And how do you live with that? How do you live knowing that you essentially are being made miserable by WHO YOU ARE?
But my kids need me. So I fight on. I still fantasize from time to time about driving off a cliff – or taking too many pills but I wouldn't do it. The kids have experienced enough crap before I met them – they don't need that from the person they trust most in the world.
God knows if my mother had been different, perhaps my thinking wouldn't be quite so screwed up.