Don't you just hate it so much when you hilight and delete everything youve just wrote right before finishing it. That wasn't fair. my hands are aging incredibly fast for some reason and it scares me.A cruel reminder that your in the process of dying and you still havn't picked your feet up. I also have this uncomfortable empty feeling in my whole body. I'm eating less which helps calm my heart down when i'm trying to sleep, as long as what i eat is healthyish. It doesn't feel natural to eat, it feels greedy and quite disgusting and i feel like i'm making up for eating too much before. It's still enough though, if i was hungry i wouldn't starve myself. I had porridge with maple syrup, stir fry and a whole pot of icecream. the noodles smelled weird, i think they were out of date so i cooked them a bit longer. (remembered what i was saying) It's exhausting being in the company of your own weight, crippling yourself with the way you live your life and being reminded of all the thing's you can't do. the first thing you think of naturally is the way out of this problem, but sometimes you OWN those problems because they're attatched to you so you can't exactlyget rid of your brain, you can't just go and get a brain transplant,every bit of you is you. Depression, anxiety andeven all your physical problems arn't just somethingn you can get rid of, because they are a part of you, they are your bodys defencesystem working in perfectharmony. Your telling your problems that get in the way of life to go away, when they are yourself, trying to help you. If you had the right life you wouldn't be depressed but the depression prevents you going crazy and being able to be happy while living in all the things you hate. imagine if you were happy while being poor, on your own, hating people and people hating you or being abused etc?? if you ask me i'd much rather have my depression to protect me and keep me safe. thank you depression! yes it hurts like everything but it'syour body and mindtrying to look after YOU with what you give it; the quality of food you give it, the love and acceptance you give it, the friendsyou let in,the amount of rest,positive thoughtsetc.depression and allother problems, evenphysicalproblems,are trying to tell you something's wrong and fix/ get you out of a situation your in. It's a natural reaction that everyone has the ability to feel in some circumstances, it just depends if they get in them. However everyone deals with things differently. a punch in the face will affect everyone differently. even the same flu will affect people differently. i now accept my depression as a part of me (like the black dog book). If you have the ability to feel this bad, imagine how good feeling a little bit good will feel. Obese people that can't get out of bed are living lives in the same category. like us, they need to feed their metabolism a lot of excercise. we need to feed our brains a lot of excercise and out conciousness a lot of love. I hope i make sense.

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