What else is new… So i went to Pig Stand with my mom thinking I was going to chow down on a salad and what happes?? She flips out because it had cheese and regular salad dressing instead of fat free… so there I am, like an idiot having to flag down the damn waitress to cancel the fuckin order. The lady at least looked at me with sympathetic eyes almost as if she saw the silent commotion. but that's my everyday life. It's not like I'm going to eat a fuckin pizza pie all by myself or even a double cheeseburger. I haven't eaten either one in the longest time!! I mean shit, if just eating a fuckin 100 calorie pack of cookies makes my life worth living then I must have a very pathetic life!! So we sat there in complete silence the whole time while she was able to chow down on fried fuckin chicken and french fuckin fries. At least my attention was directed toward talking to Ryan, who was trying to convince me to go over all the way to friggin I-10 and 1604… "We're only here tonight and tomorrow night cos we leave right after on Monday"… hmm, sounds tempting… haha, then there's poor Fernando in Corpus trying to convince me to go to Corpus to see HIM and poor Paloma caught in the middle when she sits in our old spot. All I saw was a talk really really dark guy over there and I thought "Fuck that shit" I'm not going over there if he's going to be there. Who the fuck tells you not to talk to them then when they see your best friend tells them to say they said hi… Uhh, I don't play those games and I'm done with that. Immaturity is a thing I have been cleaning house with all summer long. Some people just need to face reality, realize they're 21+ and grow the fuck up.

Anyway….

Yeah, she said if I really want to go to Corpus today I have to like, NOT EAT… how fucked up is that?? If this is what it takes to try to make it to Hollywood then all I'm going to have to do is shut up the fat kid deep within that keeps saying "feed me"… No, but seriously I am very fucking starving right now, I think my digestive system is growling louder than the typing clicks of the keyboard. I should title my notes "A Day in the Life of a Starving Aspiring Model", emphasis on the starving part. Wow, I am trying to get my mind off of it but it just isnt helping. What doesn't help is my damn hypoglycemia that doesn't let me get up too fast without falling down or getting heavy dizzy spells but that does my mom care?? She has high cholesterol and metabolism faster than the speed of light, she's going to kill me at all costs. Anyway, anyone wanna Fed Ex me a cracker or something?? So I can at least survive the 25 minutes left until my blood sugar pools and I pass out… I would use my dad's diabetic blood sugar level machine but it's in my parents room and I barely have strength to keep my head up to look at the screen.

You know what I really hate?? Is when I have barely woken up and my mom starts yelling at me… I'm like, WHAT THE FUCK?? Am I awake or still having a nightmare?? I had a dream my mom found out I was Wiccan and she said I was stupid, an idiot and I was going to be punished by God and I told her That's who I am, accept it and How the fuck am I going to be punished by a god I dont believe in. So yeah, that was a pretty weird dream. It seems like emotionally, she discovers my weaknesses and attacks them with the intention of putting me in a mental instituion by the time I"m 21… oh wait, that's in two more months… I'll send you a postcard. Maybe they'll have straightjacket keychains in the fuckin gift shops.

I feel so disoriented at the moment. It's not like I go crazy if I dont eat but my blood sugar level is crucial. You know, my mom gets pissed if I stay in bed and get online or sleep yet it pisses her off if I'm up and about in the kitchen because, um, there's nothing else for me to do. I think they should institutionalize her instead of me. She's the cause of all my problems. SOmeone take a gun and shoot me in the head please.