Some words I feel I wish I could say to her in a way that was elegant and sweet and kind. I know she doesn't care to hear them, and she'll never read them, but nevertheless I want to get them out so I feel better.

Dear lover,

You've moved on, you're made a life, you're happy, i'm so glad that you aren't in a world of stress and pain, and I'm sorry that I couldn't give you that world. But I am scarred, I am scorned, I am hurt that another man gets to enjoy your company while I do not. Why is it that I can't have the one thing that seems to make me happy? Why must I continue on in my search for happyness and realize it's empty and hopeless without you? Why couldn't you see what I see for our future?

I am doing okay with my life, I'm making the decisions I must make. I am continuing with college, I am going to work, I am going out on the weekends, and I've even tried to date. It's not that I don't have plans and goals in my life, and it's not like I'm incapable of creating a life. But it's just not the same without you my darling.

I am human, I see now that you lack empathy and respect for me, and I am sorry that you look upon me with such resentment and sadness. I don't wish for you to see me in this way, and I hope that one day you'll see I made something of myself if you ever try to check on me. But right now I still have much work to do building a life and finding out what I can become of myself now that my dreams have been crushed.

I don't know if I ever shared with you that I always pictured us married together. Even when I fought it and tried to run and hide to other people, I never really saw it any other way. How could I? You were perfect for me. Always there, always caring, always telling me that it was going to be okay. I helped you when you were low and you saw me through some tough times. And I can never forgive myself for how much hurt I put you through, but that doesn't mean that a single day doesn't go by I wish I could just have one more chance to set it all right.

I hope your new man makes you happy, and that all your dreams come true. I'm crushed, I"m devestated, and I cry every night, but I'm okay, and even though I thought about and even attempted to end my own life to get out of the pain, I continue on knowing you'd want me this way. You'd want to see me be okay and maybe not move on with another girl but at least move on so i'm no longer a burden in your life.

My love, I'm sorry for what happened, and I'm sorry that what might have been never happened. I'm even sorry that I never got your approval because I know you're ashamed of the way I acted when I was with you. I know sorry is not a word that fixes things and that it will never be fixed, so I will simply pick myself up and deal with what needs to be done.

Remember though, maybe on some day, to look at the things I gave you, listen to the mixes I sent you, cuddle up with the stuffed animals I sent you, look at the ring I gave you, even if you've now grown too slim to fit into it. I want you to know that I gave all of that to you out of love, to help you feel like you're cared for, and I'm sure you have no shortage of care. I still look over the letters you sent me, I still watch the movies we watched together and think of you. I will never ever forget you.

There is so much I wish I could say to you, my dear love. But I know I'm not your man anymore, and that more would only cause pain.I prevent myself from talking to you so that you don't have to feel guilty for my feelings and so that you may move on in peace. I let go of you in my life with nothing but peace and love and respect for you. I hope you have the fantastic life that I always knew you would.

Yours forever (even if I'm not),

AB

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