I know I said in my last blog that I was going to try not to share when I’m sad… so sorry. It’s just I’m in a bad way and I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know why I feel like this. I thought I was doing so well. I tried so hard to pretend, SO hard, but it isn’t working. I don’t feel it. I genuinely don’t understand. I really don’t. What the hell is wrong with me? No matter how much I smile… Why aren’t I happy? It’s like I want to be but I’ve forgotten how to really feel it.


I ate a load of biscuits today and then I made myself sick. That’s weird isn’t it? I couldn’t really throw up that much though because I haven’t drank water in a few days. So now I’m scared that I’ve eaten so much biscuits that I can’t get rid of. I’m not bulimic though. I know that’s what you’re thinking. I’m not. I just don’t know why I do that sometimes.


I don’t know where I’m going with this. I have nothing to say really. I’m scared that, I don’t know. I just don’t know. Argh. I’m just. I can’t articulate myself right now. I’ve tried overdosing before… twice. It didn’t work. You have to laugh right? When you can’t even do THAT right haha So… there is no point me taking some pills right now just so that I can wake up in the morning and go to the hospital again. That’s not what I want. I don’t want drama. I just want it to stop. I don’t want to die either. Even though it sounds like that. I just want it to stop. I don’t have the answer, which is killing me because I’m the kind of person that needs one. I need logic. I need to know what to do so I can do it. But I don’t, so I’m sitting here, waiting for 4 in the morning to come. Waiting for my eyes to stop watering. Waiting for the thoughts to stop coming. Waiting for the answer. Just waiting.


So much for the happy blogs ey? haha I know I don’t need to apologise, but I feel I should. When I write blogs like this, I feel really selfish. Like people go through worse than this and persevere so why am I letting it take me down? Oh and people have there own stuff to worry about so why am I unloading my problems on you all? Writing "I" so much in one blog… it just feels so self indulgent, so self involved. This is why I feel like I should apologise. I also apologise for apologising… ergh.

  1. bigcheesy 13 years ago

    No need to apologize. To me this site has a lot of people who are willing to listen to your problems and offer advice. Just keep fighting, just keep thinking that one day you will beat this. I wish you nothing but the best.

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  2. Kona 13 years ago

    This is the place to do just this "vent" about how you are feeling.  I know I’ve felt this way.  Can’t put a finger on exactly why I’m feeling the way that I am so I definitely can’t explain it.  I tried the pills once, too, please don’t.  Even tho this feels like h3ll, I won’t let it win and take me from what life I do have.  It’s not necessarily the life that I would love to have, but it’s better than some have.  A friend of mine is going through her 4th diagnoses of cancer.  She starts yet another round of chemo, she has it worse than I do when the treatments start and she is living with the unknown of when or if it will work.  Hang in there and "vent" to me whenever you want. 

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