Ever since I got off my meds I have not been myself. I have been on different kinds of meds since I was in high school when my OCD got bad because i could not find one that worked. So about more than two years ago I got on Lexapro and Klonopin. Those meds really helped me a lot. But I still had a lot of my OCD symptoms. Now that i am off my meds i feel like i have wasted the time that i was on my meds because i could have worked on my OCD/depression while i was on medication. I got off of them because it scared me to be on medication because i had been on them for so long. I did some research on it and it said that anti-depressants are okay for a little while but you really have to work on yourself and fight your anxiety. Just by taking meds its not going to majically take my OCD away. So I figured okay….I will get off my meds and work on myself and really deal with my issues. Well now that I am off (ive been off for about two weeks) I have been a complete wreck!! Ive cried every single day, I am serverly depressed, i get a new obsession everyday. I am so scared that my boyfriend is going to leave me (which is an obsession of mine, we are doing great) . I feel like my personality is changing so he is going to leave me. which causes even more depression and anxiety because he is my life and what is holding me together. I need him and i know that its bad to need somebody but the thought of not being with him sends me into a big depression mode. I know that him leaving me is an irrational thought because like i said we are doing fine, we never fight and we have a lot of fun together, we have been together for about two and half years. I just feel that i am so attached to him and that scares me because what if it does not work out in the end? I dont show him that im really attached, i mean he knows I love him but I don't want him to think i am crazy and if he leaves me and ill GO crazy ya know? so thats one worry that drives my mind crazy. Then i worry about my body image and self image. Im not fat, i weigh 122 and workout out regulary but i just feel like i weigh 300 pounds when i look in the mirror. Even though i weigh 122 i have a curvy figure. everytime i take a shower i look at every inch of my body and critique it and feel like im ugly and fat and need to lose wieght. Im scared to eat anything. Now im scared i have BDD. just another disorder to add to my list. I compare myself to other people way to much which makes me even more depressed about myself. I compare myself a lot to this girl at work…shes so gorgeous, shes 28 has two great kids and such a good husband, and she is always happy. she has the best personality. I wish so badly to be like her. I compare myself a lot to other girls at work which of course makes me even more depressed about myself. I never used to be this bad when i was on meds. I just believe medication can help you for so long…but in the end its really up to me to change the way i think and make myself happy and accept the hardships in my life. How do i stop comparing myself?
I really really do not want to get back on meds and neither does my family, especially my mom. she feels that maybe i should actually see a therapist and get help (which i have never done). I think maybe i should try doing CBT and ERT therapy and see if that helps at all before i get back on my meds. I dont wanna fail at this. I really want to be strong. But I cannot shake this depression feeling. Its killing me! I feel extremely overwhelmed.
Does therapy help without meds? I just want to be happy again and control my feelings. I work part time right now from 7 am to 12 pm so I do have the time to get help but the thing is….I am in college and I did not take summer school because I need to find a full time job because i need to make more money. I have a lot of bills to pay off. My health insurance is so bad, and medication costs me so much money, and doctor visits cost me 50 dollars. finding time to go to school, looking for a full time job, and seeing a therapist, and trying to spend time with my boyfreind and family causes me stress too because I feel like i dont have the time. And finding a new job causes me a lot of stress and anxiety to because change and new surroundings scare me. I have been at my current job for about four years and its comfortable for me there. But i really know that i need to find a new job because i work with 2 year olds and when I am feeling really depressed and my OCD is acting up and I feel like i have to keep re-doing things, it gets really hard because I have kids screaming all around me, parents trying to talk to me, kids hitting each other, so i have literally no time to breathe, talk myself down and relax. So i know i need to find a new job that is less stressful. Plus my boss does not like me because I take a lot of time off because i am so depressed and one time i had to take a leave of absence because my OCD was really bad about a year ago and really needed a break. And today I left work early because i kept going to the bathroom and crying, and used the excuse that I was throwing up and sick to my stomach. Im scared i am going to lose my job because of my OCD because i cant work hard when i am so distracted. And when your working with kids you really need to be focused and attentive to them. But like i said it is so hard because I am so distracted by all the worries i have listed above.
I dont know what to do??? Should i get back on meds and seek therapy since i have never been before and then see if i can get off of them? Or should i just try my best to control my emotions and find a good therapist and see if that works? i dont know. i just feel like i wasted all my time when i was on medication because i really truly did not work on myself. I just figured…okay ill take the pills and feel better and thats it. I realize that now and regret now working on myself when i was on meds. If i get back on meds, i am going to feel like a failure and a weak person. I just really cannot live like this anymore. I am reading books, doing workbooks, but I cannot apply all the tips to help me because it is so hard. I cannot fight my OCD. It is too hard to fight my compulsions. But i know deep down that if i dont start helping myself this is not going to get better. I really need to find a good therapist. That is what i am focusing on doing today. What do you guys think i should do? Should i get back on meds and seek therapy and really work on myself…and then see how i am off of meds? please guys any advice and support will really help right now. I cannot stop crying! I want to be strong!
I think it's important having a doctor and/or therapist in our corner when battling OCD. As for whether to keep up on the medicine, that's definitely something to discuss with a doctor. Maybe you could get back on the meds for a while just until you spend some time working on different therapies to help you fight OCD, and then slowly get yourself off of your medication? Talking with your doctor to find a good therapist and to discuss whether or not to keep taking medicine sounds like a good starting point.
Hope this helps.
Thank you! I think that is what i am going to do. Finding a good therapist is my next step. Hopefully i can find one that really is helpful!
Goodness, after reading that I can TOTALLY relate! I went through some major issues during my first year of college and after just being terrified to do anything because I was sure that my OCD was going to take my mind over, I decided – like you – that I needed help. I would definitely go to a therapist. I did and I can promise that it helps. Also, when I did, I'll let you know right now that they do thing very gradually. You don't feel pressured or like its too much so you want to quit, and if you do, they'll slow it down. Therapy is all about the patient and going on the patient's terms. Anyways, I would also go back on medication if I were you, but if you feel like you would be a failure if you did, trust me, you wouldn't. We all need help and we all have low points, but its never too late to stand up again and fight! When I went to therapy, I was also on medication, Paxil, and then Prozac paired with Klonopin, like you. But, also like you, I didn't want to be on medication forever, so my doctor helped me create a weaning plan that paired up with my therapy (at the time I was working with an exposure ladder that worked with levels) I thought it was great because I really got to do things at my own pace (which encouraged me to stay strong and be excited about therapy) and eventually, I was off medication, and now I take vitamins and natural meds that helps quite a bit. Anywhoo, thats my story, which I hope helps but most of all, I would concentrate – and force yourself to do so – to concentrate on the facts. Focus on the fact that you have a loving boyfriend, that your are actually in shape, and that you are a strong person that can defeat this like so many others!
Jeez, I didn't mean to go that long. Just like everyone else here, I know what your going through and just want to help because that's all I want when I have my dark times!
Hope this helps and you can find sone hope!
Thank you guys! your support means a lot!