MOOD: MANIC (still unable to channel excess energy toward anything productive)
I wrote this response today to another tribe member who was having family problems and contemplating a move. It is long, and overwritten, as is much of what I put down on paper, or virtual paper, but due to the length and the personal content, it seemed worthy of repeating in a blog of my own. So here it is, in it’s longwinded entirety:
yeah be careful with those sleeping pills – i have to take them sometimes, too, but i have to be so careful, b/c most are habit forming. i never take them more than two days in a row, and i try to put some space between periods of use, otherwise it can get to where the absence of it makes the insomnia even worse.
your move sounds like it might be a good idea. plenty of planning should help balance out the whole decision-while-sad angle. if ur usually sad, and ur present situation keeps u that way, it seems to make sense (to me), that changing your situation might help. i don’t think you should make any RASH or sudden decisions while acutely upset (hysterical, bawling, or in a fit of extreme sadness), but depression, in general – sometimes we have to change our situation IN ORDER to feel any better (for more than a day here, or a day there). personally, i can’t live too close to my parents. we get along great if there’s at least an hour of travel time between us. no city is big enough for both me and my dad, and my mom is just a pain, sometimes. i love them both, and value the relationship we presently have – it is definitely a better relationship because of three realizations i had a few years back:
1. we need distance to have any sustained closeness – i know it seems contradictory, but as long as I keep my trips brief, the whole happiness to see me vibe (b/c they’d been missing me so much) is intact for the duration.
2. i don’t argue. u can’t argue with crazy. and there’s some amount of crazy even in a normal parent’s over-protective nature. my parents aren’t normal. sometimes, my mom is gonna say or do sh*t that makes me feel like screaming WTF?! but i let it go. my dad id usually reasonable but he can get really hard and fast about sh*t and i have to be able to let his harshness roll off my back when it suirfaces (not that i always do, but luckily, this rarely comes up)
3. as your folks get older, u realize it doesn’t matter who was wrong, and who was right. my mom was wrong, in some really big ways, (long story) but whatever – i DO NOT have to forgive her for all of it in order to move on, and to live in the now. sooner or later, u just want to be able to get along with your folks and enjoy the time u have left with them, because once they’re gone, it won’t matter who was right, and who was wrong. it’ll just matter if you wasted time, or u didn’t.
now, not all parents are redeemable. i get that. only you know if yours are or aren’t.
and, maybe, my mom didn’t deserve another shot, after all she did to hurt me, but… i deserved to have parents, and to be able to love them, and feel close to them. and, the reconciliation (happened 6 or so yrs ago) has been really good for all concerned.
and, i do love my folks. they don’t know what i am going thru, but that’s for the best, i think. my dad has a bad heart. he couldn’t handle this, right now (knowing that i was struggling the way i am).
i just sent him a present, actually, that i think he’s gonna dig a lot.
good luck with your plans. take your time, and try to meet people on the net (maybe through dt) so you’ll have a support system in your new home. give yourself plenty of time to think it all through – taking care of you is priority one. nothing else will really go your way if you’re not taking care of yourself – body, and mind. and, don’t forget to feed that soul of yours – whether that means art, cooking, reading, or taking a class. there has to be time you spend doing something you feel good about doing, every day. good luck and i am here if u need me.