Been a long time now.. alot has been going on.. where do I start?

First of all I found out I was pregnant a few months ago.. My boyfriend made it clear that he would be there for me no matter what, but also made it clear that he was not ready and that he would rather I had an abortion. He knew that I had an abortion when I was a teenager and I was forced into it that time and didn’t take it well.. So when I found out I was pregnant again I cried and cried and cried for hours.. knowing fine well what was coming. I was going to have to go through all that shit again. This time I wouldn’t have to do it alone, but I would still have to live with this choice again for the rest of my life. I chose to listen to him and get the abortion.

The surgical procedure that I had last time was not available, so I had to go with the medical option. This involved swallowing two tablets two days before the abortion to stop the growth of the fetus. Then on the day I was given 4 suppositories.. One hour after that I had the most awful pain in my stomach.. If you can  imagine being stabbed with 20 knives at the same time. Twisting and turning around your lower abdomen. The nurse urged me to go to the toilet. I then passed a tennis ball sized blood clot. The nurse came in and I collapsed in her arms thinking it was over. She then told me to my surprise that I hadn’t passed the fetus and will keep on passing blood clots until it is out. This just made me cry more ad I fell into my boyfriends arms. If he wasn’t there I don’t know what I would have done. I can’t imagine how hard it is for women who have to go through this alone. My advice to anyone going for this procedure.. Don’t go alone. Take a friend or a family member or someone you trust. You just have no idea how hard it is even with someone there, so please don’t do it on your own.

As the months have gone on since this, I have hardly cried. Talking about it seems like I am lying about it. It’s like it hasn’t happened to me. My boyfriend doesn’t speak of it at all. He was quite happy to just forget about it all and so we did. Or have done for now..

A few weeks ago I nearly left my boyfriend as I found out he had been seeing his ex behind my back and lying to me about it. I had been going though his phone and been picking up bits and bobs here and there and this made me a little suspicious. I confronted his friend about this and he not only confirmed my suspicions, but also gave me more information I was not expecting. Whe n I confronted my boyfriend about this he said he had been waiting for me to bring it up as he knew I was going through his phone. Then he went on to explain that he had met up with her twice. Once to give her a DVD that was hers back and the second time she went climbing with him and his mate. Supposedly invited herself. After that they ended up chatting in the pub and his mate left to get his hair cut. By the time he got back they were more or less arguing about their past. 

I told him if he is going out with me then that’s it.. I don’t want him speaking with her or hanging out with her. Reason for this is she talks shit about me behind my back and is always causing trouble for not only me but my friends. At least I’d think he would have the decency to understand this. As far as I know he hasn’t seen her to date… but I know there is a party coming p soon and I can’t go to it as I’m at work and she will be there.. Oh joy.. so now I’m just walking around like a jealous girlfriend making myself look bad.

Also this week I have had a lump removed from my breast, so I have had to take more time off work. Work isn’t liking this and I now don’t even know if I have a job to go back to on top of everything else… I’m convinced I’m never gonna get a break in this world..