Realised 2day that ive 4goten how 2 b happy. Hurd a fimilier song that must have took me back 2 more carefree times. Had this brief flicker of joy, it was only a second and it wa gone, and i realised how long iv felf low. Its like im just here, just getting by, not happy but glad that i dont want 2 die. Saw some vidios of xmas years ago wen i was very ill, i look terrible. I just thought my poor kids theyv had 2 grow up with this, its not fair. Mental illness just seams 2 get overlooked, like its just a state of mind or a choice. I think theres many times i should hav been sectioned. Its quite strange that at the moment things are really realy hard money problems family problems health problems etc, big things, things that peaple notice but becouse theres real things going on i dont feel so bad about feeling low, couse i can justify it. When i feel like dying when things in the here and now are gr8 i feel awful, guily and full of self heatred. Im scared im going 2 crack up really want 2 get on some meds. the one thing that never seams 2 change is the abuse i get from my mother when i cant b a martyr and clown she dosnt seam 2 see the point in me if i cant help and god forbid i ever ask her my dad of my brother 4 help. Iv tried 2 tell her i cant drop everything and help her at the moment(she dosnt realy need help, she just wants help, she refuses 2 do anything 4 herself and mypoor brother who lives with her is the same now) i explained that things are hard and ill do my best but the kids need 2 take priority. She just gave me a run down of y it was all my falt. Years ago this kind of onslought would hav led me 2 self harm but i dont feel like that at the moment. i know shes wrong, im not perfect but im not evil and im not the reason for all the bad things that happen 2 me and others( what my mother used 2 tell me) I must b stronger, think the counselling must hav worked. It just all dosnt feel real like im in a dream.

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