Im a 20 year old immigrant whose a mother to a 4 month old . I dont work nor go to school i just sit at home and do nothing. Ive been doing this for 2 years, i dont know why i just have. My mom died 13 years ago, but im still hurting over her death. I never really got any closure since i lived with my dad and his wife. Growing up was not easy, financially we did great. I got anything i asked for, but i was always his wife target. Id get in trouble just for losing my toothbrush or forgetting to wash my face or forgetting to shower. My dad would slap me across my face multiple times, throw me around and spit in my face. He always told me i was useless and that id never amount to anything. As a child i didnt know what to do cause i always tried my best to be perfect, i had good grades and i got along with everybody. I wasnt perfect, i lied and sometimes if i didnt get my way i would steal. 3 years ago i ran away and never looked back, he moved back home. He still has some control over me, since im scared shitless of him. I have never told anybody about the abuse i went through, everyone thinks he was the greatest dad, when he wasnt . After my mom died he should have been there for me, but he neglected me and used me as a punching bag to satisfy his wife. As a mother i would never do that to my child. I cant even believe that im writing this for the world to read, as i hide behind my computer hoping no one will figure out my identity since everyone thinks my life is so perfect. But its not, everyday is struggle. I think of suicide often but im too scared of what awaits me on the other side. I want to get my life in order for my son, but i just feel like im never gonna get there. I know its been years and that i should get over it. But i just need someone to listen to me for once and tell me that i deserve to be loved. I just really want to be loved.