Im a 20 year old immigrant whose a mother to a 4 month old . I dont work nor go to school i just sit at home and do nothing. Ive been doing this for 2 years, i dont know why i just have. My mom died 13 years ago, but im still hurting over her death. I never really got any closure since i lived with my dad and his wife. Growing up was not easy, financially we did great. I got anything i asked for, but i was always his wife target. Id get in trouble just for losing my toothbrush or forgetting to wash my face or forgetting to shower. My dad would slap me across my face multiple times, throw me around and spit in my face. He always told me i was useless and that id never amount to anything. As a child i didnt know what to do cause i always tried my best to be perfect, i had good grades and i got along with everybody. I wasnt perfect, i lied and sometimes if i didnt get my way i would steal. 3 years ago i ran away and never looked back, he moved back home. He still has some control over me, since im scared shitless of him. I have never told anybody about the abuse i went through, everyone thinks he was the greatest dad, when he wasnt . After my mom died he should have been there for me, but he neglected me and used me as a punching bag to satisfy his wife. As a mother i would never do that to my child. I cant even believe that im writing this for the world to read, as i hide behind my computer hoping no one will figure out my identity since everyone thinks my life is so perfect. But its not, everyday is struggle. I think of suicide often but im too scared of what awaits me on the other side. I want to get my life in order for my son, but i just feel like im never gonna get there. I know its been years and that i should get over it. But i just need someone to listen to me for once and tell me that i deserve to be loved. I just really want to be loved.

2 Comments
  1. Stuck92 8 years ago

     Thank you so much for the advice, i dont know if i could talk to a proffesional as im so embarassed, i dont want people to think of me as damaged. I dont know how to explain it but im a very proud and stubborn person which is my downfall. I want to since Im engaged to an amazing man, have been together for almost 3 years. He treats me great, loves me unconditionally and supports me financially. My dad is no longer in the country and i dont accept anything from him, but he does still have a hold of me. After so many year of him telling me that no one was ever there for me, and that no one loved me more then he did. I admit when his wife wasnt there he was a great dad i just wish he wasnt so caught up in pleaasing her. Im just done feeling sorry for myself, i know im too hard on myself but i dont know..

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  2. Stuck92 8 years ago

     I want to finally be happy and enjoy my family instead of always hurting and hiding. I want to learn who i am and finally be comfortable being me for a change, i just want my child to have an amazing childhood, before that happens i need to get better

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