i feel like ive run out of tears. ive cried myself dry. havnt slept but haven't done anything else coz i didn't want ben to think i was being a child and throwing a tanty. turns out it didn't work, he was still mad when he got up.
i called in sick, just can't face work, ben will never understand that. during an episode, the emotional battle i go thru is more tiring than i can ever describe. i feel exhausted.
i used to feel down for most of the time. now i feel good or ok most of the time, but still have episodes. the problem is that before when i finally let it all out and let myself lean on ben, it helped, and i felt comfortable bearing all to him. now that im feeling better some of the time, i seem to let myself lean on him less, if at all. i hate myself for doing that, it makes him feel cut out which fuels my stress and lonliness.
my standards are too high, i know that. i can be so stupid when i say things, and when i went on an apparent man hating rant last night, he got annoyed. that wasnt my intention at all but no amount of apologies could make him feel ok. his coldness towards me was the trigger of my worst episode in at least 6 weeks. it was worse than most i think because i did it alone. he thinks im weird for wanting to get away from everything by going for a drive, and he thinks i want to get away from him. truthfully, i don't want my life, the uncertainty, the dependence on him, the isolation. i put myself thru hell, im fully responsible for that, no one else.
im just exhausted, i don't want to go to work this avo but if i don't im afraid ben will be disappointed, and that would be yet another reason to hate myself. right at this very second though, i dnt think i can face anyone. no even dogs. i feel bad for leaving my boss in the lurch but he'll live. he won't give me a payrise anyway so why should i put myself out for him.
i hate being alone. feeling alone. ben left for work this morning knowing i was in an episode. i think its coz i cut him out last night. he will never understand though, he tries, and maybe he pretends to, but he will never actually know or understand how i feel – no matter how much i describe it.
i feel numb, i just want to curl up in bed and never ever ever wake up, not have do deal with my mind anymore, and the stresses of life. im so tired of trying to be happy. my career is not existent and so my future looks black.
and worst of all, when i write all this down, i feel stupid for feeling that way. i know its stupid but i do. why should i be the one going thru all this? its like my head is trying to attack itself, like a cancer.
all i want to do is just stop forever.