im angry. i hate everything. im useless. im too smart but oh so dumb. stupid, lazy, unappreciative, needy.. sometimes i wish i lived somewhere where the city was in an emergency, or i was stranded, just so i didn't have to face my normal life.
one day im fine, great in fact, then another day im the most useless piece of pig shit anyone can even think of. usually when im in a depressive episode (now) my logical mind is going crazy.. "you're scum" "no you're not, you're smart and talented and worth heaps" "what the fuck? no you're dirt, useless, stupid, hateful, ugly" "no you're pretty and deserve everything, and a lovely person" "you don't deserve the dirt on shoes"..
right now, fuck my logical mind, i dont care if this makes me sound dumb, or if nobody reads this.. or cares. if something terrible happened to me right now, i wouldn't care, if i died, so be it. meh i don't care. fuck everything. im a piece of shit and the world owes me something. dunno what but it does.
last time i felt like this my arm and foot ended up with scratches, the pain was better than the pain in my tummy, black empty pain that i can't describe if im not feeling it. its a sucking hole in the pit of my stomach mostly but also everywhere in my body, its sucking, sucking all the good from my surroundings, its like it wants to take my body in with it, to implode. intense pain that is not physical but so deep and cold that it feels physical. cutting made it feel more physical, and tangible. right now its not quite there, but smoking has helped scare it away i think. it was there just before and then disappeared with my intake of thick smoke. now i feel relaxed and stupid, like i keep telling my self i usually am if im sober.
this is stupid, i don't even kno why im writing, stupid, everything is stupid.
im holding him back. he doesnt deserve the shit i have to deal with. i should jsut set him free. this is my life, i don't have to ruin his at the same time. i don't kno why he loves me. he doesn't kno the real hateful disgusting person i am, he would never love that person. shithead. you deserve your shitty life, live bored and lonely. pick up dog shit, let them ruin your hearing by yapping. deserve it!
he doesn't even care if im not there. why should i care about him? why do i? these thoughts make me weep, then bawl, then weep. im so unstable. this is not fair, why should i go thru this? why does my brain wanna fuck itself up???? i want to start over. my life is shit, i want to start again. just take me back to before i was born and let me start again. i want to be cool, and not make stupid decisions, and not ruin my self esteem with a fuckload of boys, and not let my body go, and make good friends, and live for me and only me. fuck this bullshit.