I don't have a whole lot to say tonight; at least I don't think so. The nagging feeling of something being wrong is still with me, but maybe it's just longing for a time when things were new and love was new and exciting. Maybe that's all it is. I know it's something you have to keep alive, but it changes as you grow older and sometimes it's hard to keep up with. Especially with having a young child that keeps you busy all of the time when he's home.
I think tonight we're going to go to the beach and look for sea turtles and just walk the dunes. Maybe it will be romantic and we'll be able to recapture some of that romance that I seem to be aching for. It seems as if I know everything he's going to do or say, and that everything follows a pattern that's pretty easy to guess at. While I love the fact that my husband is a reliable and solid man, I get frustrated by the fact that there's little deviation from routine day after day.
Have you ever felt like when someone looks at you you're made of glass? Like they see through you, right past you, on to something else? That's kind of how I'm feeling these days with how he handles me. What's beyond me that he's seeing in the distance? Where is his mind when he's talking to me? These questions plague me and put me in a state of despair sometimes. They make me question who he is, and even who I am.
I know I need to talk to him, but I don't know how to make him really HEAR me. He listens, but with one ear only. Unless I get mad or start to cry ~ then he pays attention. But I don't do the manipulation thing; if I cry it's because I can't stop it and if I get angry it's because I really am. I don't want to have to use tactics and strategy to have to talk to my husband, I want him to just listen, you know? And honestly talk back openly. I feel like he's closed off parts of himself from me and doesn't intend to open them. I understand needing to keep some things to yourself, but this is different. At least to me it is. He's my best friend and I think I'm his ~ so why is it so hard to share with one another?
I did have a nice long talk with my friend Mindy today. We're going to get together tomorrow with the boys and have a picnic at the park. Maybe I can get a different outside point of view from her. She's very perceptive as well. And I want to thank all of you for your responses to the last blog I wrote. I took it all to heart and have spend a lot of time thinking about what you all have said. I don't want to get divorced, I want to fix what is happening or change things so that we can start to grow back together.
And Mary is right too ~ men are expected to hold their feelings in and be strong, and with his upbringing it only heightened that expectation. His step-dad was angered by tears or feelings. And his Mom wasn't there much for him anyhow. I just wish he felt safe sharing himself with me. After 15 years you'd think that it wouldn't be much of a problem but it still is.
But I will say this. On the whole I have a good man that I DO love. He's got a good heart, a sweet nature for the most part, and he loves me too. I want this to work and I'm proud of how far we've come together. I want it to continue into the future.
That's all I've got for now. Maybe I'm just moody and I'm assuming it's coming from him. Or maybe he's really unhappy about something and won't tell me. I wish I knew.