I feel really nervous writing about this but things are getting so bad that I can't trust myself anymore and I'm quite scared of what I might do to myself and this may be my first step to getting better?
This is my history. I'm now 21, I have struggled with depression for around 5 years now. I have never really been a happy person, but I would say I sunk into an actual depression when I was 16. (I apologise if this is a little rambly, I'm not really sure where to begin so this may end up as a nonsensical outpouring…) At 16 I began going out with a boy, who I stayed with for 18 months, who was VERY mentally abusive. Why I stayed with him, I don't know, but he was incredibly manipulative. He drummed into my head that my family didn't love me, that I had no friends and he was the only one who would ever truly love me, he pushed me around physically, he said that i caused him to have depression, and he was incredibly possessive and controlling, he wouldn't let me go out on a night, he wouldn't let me drink, asked me not to wear make up, the list goes on… This also caused a lot of grief with my family, who hated him, but I was so wrapped up in it all, I couldn't see it. When I eventually had the strength to leave, it was a very very messy break up, and also a pivotal event regarding my mental health. Although I initially felt fine, people noticed that I was shaking, sometimes quite violently, and I now recognise this as the beginnings of my strugglewith anxiety and depression. My hands are shaking a lot now as i type.
Also, I was involved with a group of friends who I'd grown up with, so out of convenience, I suppose, who would often put me down. They'd make me feel embarrased about something I might have done in the past, would put me down in front of people I didn't know to make themselves feel better, would tell me I looked 'like sh*t', constantly, really lowering my self esteem.
My relationship with my mother has always been incredibly strained too. I was a difficult child, I know, but often she would tell me she wished she'd never had me, that she hated me, that I brought the family down, that I was good for nothing, a waste of space, that I was a mistake, she didn't like me, etc, all whilst my father was out, and upon his return make out that nothing had happened, and I was a liar. She would just be so horrible, it hurst so much to remember it. And I feel so guilty, because of the way she acted, she would provoke me and I would be horrible back. I think herself she has issues, I'm not sure what, but both her and my father have struggled with depression too.
At the age of 20, I moved to London to study Illustration. And caught up in all the excitement I forgot about my troubles for a few months, and it was amazing, I would give anything to feel like that again. But since about January 2010, until now, I have been engulfed in a horrible black depression. I should be happy, I have an amazing boyfriend and lots of friends, but I don't feel it. This illness is taking over my life. I am constantly contemplating suicide. I self harmed in the past, and now I have started doing it again. I am pushing my boyfriend away. I only confide in trusted people about my illness, most of whom have decided they don't want anything to do with me anymore. It is now taking a physical toll on my body – apart from the self harm. I feel constantly tired,I get confused so easily, my memory is terrible, I shake pretty much constantly. I don't wash very often (please don't judge me), I don't always brush my teeth. I dress up to the nines when I go out, but only so that others can't see there is anything wrong. I worry constantly, I never sleep through the night, I frequently go to the toilet, which I'm told can be because of the anxiety. I have become withdrawn, and quiet. I know I have the potential to produce really great work, but I can't bring myself to do it. I always feel nervous, and guilty and ashamed. I'm often to scared to answer the phone. I am terrified of what people think of me. I feel on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown, I don't know what to do, I am so scared.
I have just come home to visit my family, my mother took one look at me and decided she wouldn't talk to me. But she won't let me go home early. She said she hate's my clothes and everyone laughs at me, and if they compliment me it's only because they're taking the p*ss. She said she doesn't want to be with me because of the way I look. I ended up shouting at her, but only because I was so hurt. I know I shouldn't have 🙁 I'm so hungry, but daren't get anything, because she will shout at me, and can't go out to get anything because of the state I'm in. I'm a complete loser.
I can't think of any way out other than death, but I'm too scared. I just took a bunch of paracetomol, because when I do it makes me feel light and hazy, and floaty, and a bit better for a short while. I know that's really dumb.
I understand if any of you who read this think I am an attention seeker, or that I should 'get over it', but I just can't. I feel desperately sad and any sort of response at all would hopefully let me know I am not alone. I want to talk to people who understand that it is an illness, and incredibly hard to live with, not just a 'case of feeling blue'.
Thank you so much for reading, and any help at all would be hugely appreciated. xxx