Well here I am writing blog no. 2 and guess what? I'm all cheery! Now I ask you, how can you be depressed one hour and manic the next? I have heard of rapid cycling, but this is ridiculous! My aunt is bi-polar, but her depression would last weeks, followed by weeks of mania. My best friend is bi-polar and she does not go up and down this fast either.

I don't know why I feel happy. Caffeine maybe — butI think that what I'm doing is a defense. I am trying so hard to keep the depression away, that it is overcorrecting. Why am I complaining if I'm happy? Because it doesn't feel right, it feels weird. It feels unnatural and unbalanced. In a sense like when someone goes nuts and starts laughing like a maniac.

I always would joke "If I am going to go crazy, I want to be laughing." as opposed to having a break down and wanting to cut my wrists which I know all too well.

Anyway, last night Ciaran came over. We have a pretty typical friendship. Friends with benefits, but I only see him once a year, maybe twice. I adore him as a person but I'm not in love with him, we love to tell stories –he is a film student in LA so he has plenty of stories, and I'm insane so I do too!

Aside from me drinking waaayyy too much rum, the night was fun and I feel lucky to have him as a friend. He could have written me off like everyone else, he has plenty of friends, but he still likes me and not just because I'm a sex pot, he likes my mind. Plus not only does he look likea young Johnny Depp,that boy is 12 years younger than me!

Oh yeah, that brings me to a dare I say "depressing" point. We were talking about relationships last night and he goes "Yeah I don't want to settle down or even commit to anyone until I'm in my late 30's or even 40."

To which I replied: "Okay, well you can come visit me in the nursing home and show me pictures of your kids."

Of course it furthers the point that not only will no one want to settle down with me because I am a certified nut case, I am sure not going to get a younger man to want me, guys are such pigs, even the nice ones.

Well now I'm editing my hideous photos trying to make myself look 20-something again. Good thing I have computer graphic skills. Plus I'm labeling the orbs in the pics from Tom and Sharon's visit as "Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present".

Whoo hoo what fun, haven't slept in 27 hours, ready to stuff my face with some junk food, good thing I don't drive, I would be driving around in a manic-depressed stupor with a bag of Burger King and weigh 200 ilbs.

Which reminds me, I haven't heard from my best friend in forever.

Sigh.

1 Comment
  1. angeliki 10 years ago

    that was an amazing post! i reallly enjoyed reading it!

    well, i guess your 'highs' have to do with your friend's visit.. maybe i am wrong but having some positive day means that next day is gonna be at least a bit positive too! i think you are in clouds now:)

    and you had some alcohol but in my case alcohol doesn't work for the second day..cause i get depressed the next day i have a 'high' on alcohol.. dont know why:D dont know what to do also.. no doctors and no pills for me yet- at least not in prescription and not on anti-depression:P

    ps.. sorry for my engllish.. i am not native nor i live in an english speaking community/country

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