So… I’m in a pretty lousy place. I would’ve liked to have gone home today, but I’m not well enough to make the trip. I had a friend over today, and it all went wrong. Some things, we choose to leave unsaid, because we learn to tolerate the quirks or oddities on other people (especially when we have our won issues). This particular friend has a tendency toward the dramatic. He creates problems, and then basks in them. I’ve been getting sick of hearing it lately, because when you offer an obvious solution, he’ll twist things around, embrace false logic, and (at times) clearly embellish, just to make his problems seem unfixable. It seems like he enjoys harping, at length, about the dramas he’s fashioned for himself. Really stupid, crazy shit… and, lately, when the conversation EVENTUALLY turns to something other than him, he loses interest. I can understand bad judgment and impulsive behavior, but this guy…
so, I put up with his self-absorbed whining, and his unthoughtful behavior for weeks.
Once, not too long ago, he was sick, and felt overly warm. He was fanning his shirt away from his chest like he wanted to take it off. My apartment can be on the warm side, so I told him he could take his shirt off, if he thought it would help. No big deal. The next day, he walks in, and takes his shirt off. I say, "dude, that’s not cool." He whines that it’s hot in my apartment, and I say, no one else feels the need to walk around with no shirt on.
So, anyway… today, he’s over… and we’re disagreeing about a solution to one of his problems, he comes up with some technicality that gets in the way of the solution, and I tell him no one had to know that bit of information. He said, he couldn’t lie. I snapped. I said, "don’t tell me you can’t lie. You lie. Everyone lies." He says he tries not to make a practice of it. I tell him he’s full of it because he’s even lied to me, and I’m well aware of it, so I’m not hearing this nonsense. He wants to know what he lied about, and I try to drop it, and go back to the subject at hand. He insists on knowing what I think he lied about. Insists… so, instead of ripping into every inconsistency I’ve ever noticed, I hone in on the most glaring wrong he’s done since becoming my friend.
Some time back, he told me that someone, who I know only peripherally, knew all about my problems with Charlie, right down to the fact that he’d taped me, and what Quinn looked like. I was really pissed. Only two of my friends talk to this scumbag, and he had come to me, seemingly so I’d think the other one had told my business, and not him. I knew there was a problem with his story when he seemed concerned about me confronting the only other possible source of the information. I did confront her, and she admitted that she talked to Steve, while this other scumbag was present, but reminded me that she hadn’t known about the recording or what Quinn looked like. I never told her those things. Steve was the only person who knew this stuff who also knew the scumbag. She apologized for talking to Steve about these things, and for doing so while this other guy was around. Obviously, my trust in both of them was seriously damaged. Neither of them has been my friend for that long (less than a year), and I just filed the information away as knowing they couldn’t be trusted the way I trust my small circle of very close friends.
So, I knew Steve had betrayed me by talking about my intimate personal affairs, and I knew that he’d lied to me to try to cover it up. He tried like hell to lie his way out of, as I knew he would, which was one reason I never wanted to have this conversation. He said all kinds of stupid things, trying to defend himself. All kinds of nonsense, to account for what was obvious, before he finally admitted to it. Kept trying to make excuses for a little while, and then, I was just like, "fuck you and your excuses, there’s no excuse for this kind of betrayl by a friend!" So… he got all teary-eyed, and apologized, again. I told him I didn’t hate him. I wasn’t going to go into it, but he insisted. And, it shook him up. He said, he does things like this, sometimes, and he doesn’t know why. I told him I could understand that. He’s troubled, and in some ways, I’m sick of dealing with him, but I’m also troubled, and I know what it’s like to do things that you shouldn’t, because of impulses that bounce around inside your head. I tried to be understanding, but I told him if he ever betrayed me again, there would be no hashing it out. I don’t know if I handled this the right way. If I was right to call him out, or if I was right to be forgiving. I don’t know. I just couldn’t take any more bull shit. And, then… I felt sorry for him. I let him stick around a while. Made him some food, put on a Law and Order episode. Then, he dozed off on one of my chairs. I woke him up after a few minutes, and told him I wanted a nap. I just needed some space.
I know I’m messed up, too. So, how harshly can I judge? I hurt my husband. I never intended to do so, but I lost myself.
It was nice having a little breakfast in bed with Charlie this morning. He deserved to have some kind of little Easter celebration before work. Someone suggested that I go away for a while, and give him a chance to figure out what he wants. My first reaction to this was somewhat defensive, but I can appreciate the thought. But, right now, I just can’t see any reason to leave. He seems to want me here. He holds me, and tells me he loves me (not as often as he used to, but he’s been saying more and more), and we spend all our free time together. I’m still his companion, and his partner, and I feel like he’s warming up to me. I think pulling back now would be a huge mistake. The same person said that Charlie may never trust me, again. I know I might lose him, and I know I may not be able to regain his trust, but I feel strongly that we can overcome this. We’re married. That means working through things that people who are just involved wouldn’t necessarily work out. I’ve certainly done my share of forgiving, and learned to trust him, again (he’s never cheated, but he’s certainly broke my heart a hundred other ways). And, in the time since it hit the fan, he hasn’t seemed to be moving further away from me. He only seems to be getting closer. Maybe, he’s not sure, yet, what he needs to do, but I know he still wants to be with me. I can feel it. He misses me when we’re not together. He takes care of me, when I’m sick, and looks out for me. We still take care of each other. He’s never bitter or shitty. Just, kind and chill… and, at times, warm, and loving… if he seemed to want time and space, away from me, maybe, I’d give it to him. But, he still likes hanging out with me, and having fun with me.
We laugh together, and enjoy each other’s company. I know there’s a lot of damage, that runs deeper, and goes back futher, than this affair (on both sides), and I’m not trying to push him to talk, too soon. And, I’m not asking him for the affection, validation, or physicality that I desperately need, because I want to give him the time he needs to sort things out. But, right now, my heart tells me that he still wants to be with me. My heart tells me that he still believes in me, in spite of everything. My heart tells me that he wants to find a way to make it work. If we can’t find that way… maybe, I will wind up moving with my friend Jordan, but right now, he still seems to need me. And, as long as he needs me… I’ll be here.
I need to focus on getting the most fundamental stuff in order. Getting us cleaned up, getting our finances in order, and getting our apartment fixed up (it’s always depressing when your apartment reflects the chaos in your head). These are the things I need to give my attention to. I need to take better care of myself, and try to pull myself out of the mess I’m stuck in. My friend who I went off on said the conversation was cathartic, and possibly a turning point for him. I want to belive that’s possible. Because, I want to believe that getting slapped in the face with the reality of my affair (and knocked off my wild, manic ride) would be a turning point for me. I want to believe that this whole mess could’ve changed me in some way. But, we’ll see. I guess, I’ve rambled enough, for now. And, enough is as good as a feast, so, I’ll catch you cats later. Happy Easter, to all you sad cats. Take care of yourselves.