So, hi. Welcome to my first post. I figured, it's 3:22am, why not write a journal post. Don't worry, I've slept. I slept at 5pm and woke up at midnight because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours. And yes, despite not having much of an appetite, I gave in and ate. I've been on this site before, but I forgot my login info. Butafter a huge blowout with a loved one that left me back in my dark place, a place I had avoided somewhat successfully for years,I remembered this site, and returned. I've struggled with depression for years, but haven't been diagnosed, because I've never gone to see anyone for it. I've been to counseling, but only for anxiety; no one really knows about my depression. The only person I've really told, really allowed into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind is a friend who lives across the ocean, because she's been through a lot with me, despite our friendship being mostly online. A part of me also allows only her because from so far away, I know she can't really stop me if I were to get to a "point of no return," if you catch my drift. And I nearly reached that point last night, before I fell asleep under the influence of sleeping pills that I had taken to quiet my mind. I had forgotten… How much it physically hurt… To wish for death. Alone, locked in my bedroom, I laid in bed, my mouth open in a silent scream as I clutched my stomach. The tears wouldn't stop. But this wasn't my first encounter with this type of thing, and I doubt it will be my last. In desperation, I texted the aforementioned friend, just needing to reach out to someone who would listen, someone who understood. She talked me down a bit, and it was at this point that I created this account. But I grew very tired,and slipped into a drug-induced slumber, only to be awoken by my rumbling stomach. And now, here I am. Undoubtedly calmer than before, but no less hurt than I was. It has been pouring rain since I woke, and I can't help but think (albeit quite egocentric of me) that the universe knows of my pain, causing the rain. Perhaps someone, somewhere, is crying for me. Or maybe the rain serves to wash it all away. I don't know. In any case, I want to thank you if you've been reading, and especially if you've made it this far into my rambling. Thank you also for being you. Goodnight.

-L

2 Comments
  1. Proanamia 7 years ago

    I''m so sorry that you've had such a rough time recently, L, and with life in general. When you mentioned that silent scream, I knew exactly what you meant and I feel I can relate to how you probably felt in that moment. I've had those breakdowns where I cry to the point that I feel like I might pass out from not getting air- crying so hard I don't make any sound- with my mouth agape, unable to shut it, but unable to scream. I hurt for you, and I hurt for all people that have to feel this way.

    Anyhow, welcome back to the tribe. If you ever need a listening ear or someone to toss thoughts around with, I'm more than happy to be here for you (and I mean that) and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

    Here's to better days, L.
    -Theresa/Proanamia

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  2. elf 7 years ago

    L,

    I'm new to the group, but have known depression for over 20 years. I would suggest finding a professional therapist and or psychiatrist.  You want to avoid the same episode from last night. But as the others have said, we are all here to support and encourage each other as best we can over a website.

    You are not alone in the pains you feel. We may not have experienced it just as you have, but we have all hurt and we understand the physical pain that depression causes. Come back soon.

    Elf

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