Allow me to kick and scream like a spoiled brat if you will….I'm angry that my friend Laura has a boyfriend now–which apparently means that other than getting together for an occasional movie evrey few weeks or so, I have fallen well off her radar….Mad that she and her bf are just going to go see a movie tonight and not go to the party afterwards that we were all invited to, which in turn means I'm not going to the party since she was pretty much the only real friend whom I thought was going to be there and who I could feel comfortable hanging out with…….really freaking sucks how uncool and lame a good female friend becomes once she "finds herself a man"…and really freaking sucks how insignificant you all of a sudden become to them once they do…Such is the way of things….Maybe I'd understand better if I were in a serious relationship of my own–hell, if I had ever BEEN in a serious relationship for that matter(my few experiences in serious relationships–or what I THINK were serious relationships anyway– mostly met with disastrous results and none lasted much more than a couple of months. And I do take a bulk of the responsibility for that).

I'm mad that my sister only paid me $50 for a whole week of staying at her house and watching her dogs while she and her family were out of town….Well she actually gave me a check for $110, but part of that is paying me back for the $60 I had to spend of my own miniscule funds to buy some more dogfood for the dogs since she of course didn't bother to take care of that on her own ahead of time before she left town….I'm mad that I don't have any records of what she has paid me in the past when I have stayed there a week, because I'm pretty sure that it's been somewhere in the range of $75-$100, but I have no way of proving that to her,, which is still well below what any non-family member has paid me for dogsitting in the past, but that's okay; I justify it by saying I'm giving her a "family discount"…I'm mad that I can't get myself to speak up about this to her…I don't know, maybe she looks at it as she's also doing a favor to me by letting me get out of my tiny one-bedroom apartment and letting me spend a whole week in her spacious beautiful home, with access to all kinds of things that I can't afford to have at my own place, including cableTV, more food,, etc. , not to mention a nice place in general that i wouldn't be emabarrased to invite someone over to unlike my own place!…Maybe she looks at it also as I get to spend a whole week watching those two precious dogs of hers, knowing that I really and sincerely do love those little guys…Maybe she noticed by looking at her gas odometer upon her return to town that I must have used her car a few times to drive around town to whereever, and therefore deducted what she normally might pay me in gas fees….

I'm mad that this beautiful girl popped into my personal universe virtually out of nowhere, , but it looks like there's a strong possibility that it's not going to lead to anything afterall; not even any kind of a friendship…So what in the HELL was the point then of the FLow of the Universe having her make an appearance in my life in a somewhat flukey manner if It's not even going to freaking mean anything? Yeah, I know, sometimes there are flaws in the FLow of the Universe, and perhaps this is one of them, but I really freaking hate it when there are….

But I'm glad I'm mad –crazy as that may sound–in regards to all of this. Because if I absolutely HAVE to make a choice, I'll take anger over sadness. Give me anger any day over depression and sadness. I'm sure many people here in DT can understand what I mean. I'm all for letting the anger stay, if it means letting the depression stay away.

Thanks for reading.

TH