Today I felt like doing something different so instead of just throwing something on and being on my way I actually took the time to consider my wardrobe and did my makeup. For the first time in a very long time I felt a little confident.

I was supposed to meet my boyfriend for coffee on the way to work this afternoon, it is our usual ritual which makes my unbearable commute to work in crowded places more bearable. Except he cancelled on me, I struggled to push myself out of the door and my only motivation was to get the day over with so I could return home to be in my comfort zone with 90% less anxiety.

Whenever people looked at me I found myself stressing about how they were judging me, and as usual I kept my eyes to the ground. By the time I got to work my anxiety was at a very high level… Thats when I found out my boyfriend was putting me on till…

I suppose some of that looks very wrong, if not most of it. At my last job my anxiety was reaching extreme levels so my best friend offered me a job at the liquidation store he manages, I quickly took the job because out of everyone I have ever met (including family), I am the most comfortable around him, and when I am out of my comfort zone I find comfort in his presence. Me and him quickly became a couple. So while some of the few people who know look down on me for dating my boss I try not to pay any mind to them, although I am terrified of my co-workers finding out. Working with him some how keeps my anxiety lower than it would if I did not work with him, he somehow calms the maddness in my mind.

Alright so back on topic.. Till, I am not a cashier… I do help customers yes, but I am not a cashier, in fact being on till sends my anxiety levels through the roof because I have to speak with everyone who comes into the store. So I pushed on through while trying to put on a smile and deal with the day instead of running. It made for a horrible day.

My boyfriend didn't tease me as much today, which was a relief since sometimes it builds my anxiety when he is persistant with it. Now he knows I have SAD, but I don't think he knows much about it. When I found out he knew more about my demons and that I am seeking support, I was surprised and found my comfort level rise even more in his presence.

His friend was at the store helping him all day, and when we were on our way home he told his friend about something that happened to me at his place, while he thinks it is very funny I do not… He likes to share tthese 'moments' I have.. But these things make me self conscious and embarrassed…

I wish everyone would stop teasing me. Because I don't know how to communicate with people anymore they always tease me about how I word everything I say.. And at times it makes me feel very unintelligent, unfortunately this occures daily at work.. I guess I am easy to tease.

While I feel a little less alone knowing the only person I have is there, I just wish the teasing and laughing at me would stop.. it only makes my anxiety worse.. Right now I feel like if I could stay in my house forever and never leave I would…

I am so tired of this, mentally and physically… Perhaps if I could calm enough to actually get a good nights sleep for once in my life it wouldn't be so difficult…