Went to Baldwin for Easter with my grandma and uncle.  I wanted to go but I didn't at the same time…  Just because I didn't feel like listening to her yell at me.  Cirena reminded me to judge her on the day I see her and not because of the past… 

Didn't sleep very well last night because I was anxious about going today.  It's not that I don't love her, I just have this hatred towards her…  She gets on my nerves and the less I talk to her the better off I am and I feel bad because she is my grandma and I know she is up there in age… 

Vaguely I remember telling Luda how she use to treat me when I was little…  And I can remember her telling me maybe it has something to do wtih her Russian Cluture…  So I remind myself that when I have to talk to her. 

She did nice things too when I was little, well not really, unless I listened to her every demand…  And she would follow me around asking me what I was doing…  Telling me I was going to hurt myself, and little girls don't do stuff like that…  Be propper.  I made you a dress and matching outfit for your doll…  UGH Most kids would have liked that maybe, but I didn't…  I fucking hated it.  And I know now maybe she didn't mean any harm to me…  But it sure the hurt my feelings and I would ignore her 99 percent of the time and go off into my head. 

And that time she made me sleep in her bedroom with that picture on the wall with a little girl holding a feather walking a dog.  It looked like it was 500 years old and I thought it was a scary picture and she called me a dummy and made me sleep in there anyway…  And if it weren't for grandpa playing checkers and cards with me I wouldn't have went over there.  I sound like such a horrable person…

UGH as for last night very mild rituals.  Mostly just worries about stupid shit like that above…  I was told to get some pictures and yell at them.  But I really don't like yelling, so I wrote a letter instead.  After that I listened to some music and drifted off.

And for the rest of my day, today, we found a neat trail, that is paved.  10.5 miles and is a straight shot.  Over 30 caches to find.  We went 2.5 miles in.  Cirena almost ran over the top of a snake…  That was freaky, mostly for her, because I am not scared of snakes.  🙂