Let's just say yesterday was not good. Since last fall I have been having real problems with my bipolar illness~ I went into a very long-lasting hypomanic episode that I refused to believe was hypomania (classic symptom~ denial), and then crashed and burned into a a smoldering mess of pain and darkness in the end of November. I think I've told you this before, but let me just recap.

I took the position in July of last year, becoming a "sales associate" for the music store. I was highly motivated and moved up quickly. Then I was offered the position as manager-in-training, and I warned my manager that I wasn't sure it was a good idea for me personally. But hetold me that I would be great at it and he would be there to train me every step of the way. So after a couple of days of thinking it over, I agreed to it. BIG MISTAKE.

Looking back now I realize that this choice is what led me into hypomania and then severe depression in the fall. It was too much stress, too much b.s. to handle, constantly being put in positions where I shouldn't have had to deal with them considering I was only in training. I worked my butt off for them.

Then I went into crisis phase. I spoke to the boss and my manager about my illness to a very limited degree, just explaining that no, it wasn't contagious, it wouldn't put anyone else in jeopardy, but would require me taking time off to get better.

I got a thumbs up from both of them, and told that I could come back full-time when I was ready.

I lost a month of work because of that depressive episode, but slowly I tried to re-enter my work world. Unfortunately, the upgraded dosage of my medication made it hard for me to multi-task, to think linearly, to prioritize. I had a very difficult time doing what I had done before. And I still wasn't out of the depression, just dealing with it.

At one point I had to make a decision about an employee asking to go home (because neither the manager or the boss was there), so I let him leave due to illness. Later I talked to my manager about it, and was told coldly that I had lost my management-in-training status when I left for the month. My pay didn't change, but everything else had. I was really upset that no one had told me this.

I tried my best to keep going, but it was a really hard road. The boss was always on me to do something other than what I was doing (and I'm not the type of person to just stand around and do nothing to begin with) just to show me he was in control. He was purposefully trying to make it harder for me, maybe to make me quit.

Around that time I had a major depressive meltdown again, and ended up admitting myself to the crisis hospital. I never told them about it, because I didn't feel like it was something they needed to know about. But it meant new medications and lots of therapy and psychiatric attention. I had to miss more time.

Shortly after this I handed in a letter of resignation to the boss and my manager. I explained that I couldn't do this job because there were days when I wasn't functional and was unable to work,and they had no one to fall back on. My boss graciously took the letter and said okay.

The next day my manager called and wanted me to work Mondays only, because he wanted to see my "keep my foot in the door". He asked me to please reconsider what I was doing as I was usually a good employee and that they wanted me. I agreed to it, mostly to please him, but because I don't like giving up either.

He gave me the option that if I was having a bad day to just text him or call another person who had gladly offered to work for me on days such as this. "There's nothing to be concerned about. We'll get through this and you'll get back on your feet", he said to me.

That was a month ago.

Now to understand what happens here you have to understand my relatioship with my manager. We had become friends because we had so much in common and loved a lot of the same things. I never felt like I had let it cause problems between us in our working relationship, and strove to keep it that way. He often invited me to go fishing out on his boat and other things, but because there was an attraction there I thanked him graciously but declined. Our friendship was something I treasured and was really important to me.

Yesterday afternoon I got up from a nap and had let my phone charge while I slept. My husband turned it on and told me that I had 2 messages from my manager~ that I needed to look at it. He handed it over to me with a look of apprehension, so I knew it wasn't good.

He had texted me that he had "done the schedule for July and you no longer have any obligations to us. I hope you are well.". It was distant, it was cold, and it pissed me off.

I looked at my husband and said, "Well, I no longer have a job with them."

He said, "Are you sure? Why don't you text him back and clarify that you aren't working on Monday and whether or not you'll be able to return when you've stabilized on your meds?".

I needed time to calm down. I was furious for several reasons~ the first of which the way he had handled it. Didn't I at least deserve a phone call? Especially from a man who considered me his friend? It was low and callous.

The second was the fact that a month earlier I had attempted to resign but that they fought to keep me, only to fire me a month later. Why?

I ended up texting him back. "Are you letting me go? Or do I have the chance to return later when I'm doing better?"

His reply was even colder. "No A (the boss) was unhappy about what was happening with the Monday situation and asked me to remove you from the schedule. As for coming back later on, it doesn't look good for you, so I'd have to say no. Sorry."

The end, that's it. Now I was REALLY furious and hurt. I wanted to call him every name in the book, but I realized that it wouldn't help anything. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he had put "hope to still see you in as a customer" with that last text. Nice huh?

I ended up going over it in my mind repeatedly, and decided that I had to accept that maybe this was a good thing. The stress of the situation there was never going to get any better because of the people running the shop, and I was never comfortable if my boss was there because I felt like he was constantly watching my every move (no, not paranoia- he had cameras everywhere, and the main desk sat in front of a one-way mirror that led to his office directly behind me, and another one-way mirror facing the other section of the store). I was constantly under scrutiny, and had become a target for being picked on because he saw me as "weak" due to my illness. So he'd ask me to do things that were ridiculous and stupid and that were unimportant when I WAS working on things that were necessary and useful and important. My manager had even warned me about this several months ago~ he told me that A had zeroed in on me and now I was the target. (A had a penchant for picking out one person to make miserable all of the time~ and I had complained about it to my manger before when I watched thishappen to other people.I pointed out that one day it would be me~ and he said, "Nah.He likes you way too much. You'll never have toworry about it." WRONG.)

I still have to go in and pick up a few of my things, including mylast paycheck, a violin that was being repaired, and a book I left there. I want to say goodbye to my co-workers that had become my friends. And I want to talk to D, my manager, about how he handled this matter and whether or not we were actually friends. But I'm going to give myself a few daysto calm down to think clearly before going in there. I'll pick a day when theboss is out, and onlyD is running the shop.

So I cried some last night, stayed up angry awhile,and just decided that yesterday stunk. But today will be better. Never again will I have to forcemyself to go in on Monday morning and feel apprehensive and scared of A'styrannical mood swings and behaviors, or him usingme as a scapegoat,or watch himweasle his way out of trouble he's created forhimself. He refuses to take responsibility forhis own choices and mistakes and pins it onevery one else.

So I'm glad I'mnot going back to that. Ipray for the person that takes my place.

Good riddance~ to a job thatmade me feel like crap aboutmyself half of the time, and possibly a friendship that was never a friendship to begin with.