I thought today, since I introduced myself a little in my last post, I'd type about what made me decide to look online for some sort of support.
As I mentioned before, I distrust therapists…. probably not much further than I can throw one. I'm pretty strong, but I imagine I'd have a hard time throwing one, especially if they wiggle a lot, so that's not very far at all. So physically seeing a therapist is out since it does involve the therapist, and also leaving my home. I don't leave the house much, but when I do, it's for as short a time as possible and I usually scurry along the same pre-defined path each time until I get spooked or nervous, and then I turtle myself back into the house ASAP. It's taken me the better part of a year to convince myself to go to the local coffee shop, though I do love coffee shops… I packed some yarn and a book to take once, but have yet to actually make it to the coffee shop. If there was some one here, I'd have absolutely no problem going places. Going solo? Forget it. My big accomplishment last year, besides moving to my own place and ending the marraige, was to go to a movie solo. I went to see the Hobbit – it was the only movie I saw all year, and going to the theatre wasn't bad. Not sure why I haven't gone to another movie since – probably because I have no idea what's playing. I went to dinner before the film though, which was awkward and mildly terrifying. But, I'm digressing. A lot. My topic is why I'm here.
OK. So leaving the house for therapy is out. I'm great at not seeing obvious things, so it really did take me THIS LONG to realise that if I can't fix myself (as I stubbornly still sort of believe) and if I can't go to someone else to fix me, that a compromise would be online support. Yesterday, a complete stranger came up to me and said that I "looked so sad" and wanted to know what was wrong. I'm sure she meant well, but this raised so many issues for me:
- I was at work, and I try very much to keep on a "work face". Obviously I was failing, very badly.
- A complete STRANGER noticed.
- She was probably well-intentioned, but did she honestly think I'd tell her anything? Who was she to ask me such personal questions?
I was a little angry at her, but she got me thinking, and helped the idea pop into my head that maybe online help would be useful, so I suppose I should thank her, if this ultimately helps.
Aside from the stranger at work, another reason I'm here is the blog element. I like writing (in case my wall of text wasn't indication enough…), so I thought maybe there would be some sort of therapy or catharsis in having somewhere safe to use as a dumping ground for my thoughts.
So! I'm tired of remembering the person I used to be, and wishing that was the person I still was. I'm tired of being too nervous to leave the house. I'm tired of being lonely, but too clueless as to how to meet people, which makes me too nervous to leave the house, which keeps me in a stupid circular trap. I'm tired of feeling like a shell of myself, lacking confidence to do even simple things. I'm tired of rolling out of bed and not giving a crap. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm ok and I'm not, though its obvious to everyone around me that I'm not ok, and that they'd stop picking the days I actually TRIED to be civilized or upbeat to comment that I'm not ok, look awful, or sad, or whatever. That just makes me stop wanting to try.
Long term goals: Eventually, I'd like to be in a relationship where I'm not an afterthought, for once. I'd like to find a place to live where I actually feel like I belong. I'd like to stop having to leaving places I like on account of other people or my personal misery. I'd like to hear conversation and laughter coming from my own house, not just silence. I'd like to cook for people. Hosting dinner parties is one of my dreams. I'd like to be ok with leaving my house and going places without being nervous or having to plan like it's some sort of tactical maneuvre, or say hi to someone I don't know and have a conversation with them without wondering if they're creepy or if my stomach will unknot itself anytime soon.
Baby steps, baby steps. I'm here, and I'm typing, and getting some of these thoughts down. That's a beginning, right?