I'm not quite sure about how I feel today. I woke up (still drunk from the night before) feeling sad, lonely, and contemplating suicide. I don't think I've ever been this depressed in my life, and it's only recently that the suicidal thoughts have become more frequent. I continue to hang on day by day because I don't want the people who love me (particularly my little brother) to have to suffer through my loss. I've always said that suicide is the easy way out and that people who contemplate/attempt suicide are weak and selfish but in the depths of my depression it makes a lot more sense. The only thing besides the fear of not succeeding/the pain of the process that keeps me from attempting it is the selfish aspect of it. My little brother has already had to deal with the loss of our mother on his birthday two years ago; he doesn't deserve the pain of another loss. I love him more than I love myself. I know that drinking with depression meds is a no-no and that it probably affects the way they work but I can't stop drinking. I don't drink compulsively but most of the time when I start I don't stop until I'm wasted and pass out. I'm certain this contributes to my sadness. Why do we continue to do things we know to be detimental to our health when we know this is the case? And why do we stop ourselves from practicing healthy habits that we know could be beneficial to us? I hate feeling depressed and unmotivated though I can't snap myself out of it. This clinical depression thing is unlike anything I've ever dealt with in my life. I don't know where it will take me, whether I'll start to feel better or end up dying of it. I hope to feel better, I just don't know how.
I believe it all started with the death of my mother. It was completely unexpected and it broke my heart. She was my best friend, and the one who always encouraged me and made me feel my worth. Without her, I feel my light has extinguished. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else about my feelings, there for I feel alone. This is also the longest I've ever been single in my life, and while I enjoy not having to answer to anyone I miss having a support systemand a close confidant. I've heard that the loss of a support system contributes to depression as well. I became close to my little brother's family after my mother's death and 6 months later they moved away to Texas, leaving me alone in California with my thoughts… Which brings me to where I am now. In Texas. I bought a one way ticket with only an idea of a plan to move away, though somehow I have to get back to California in the next 3 weeks to pack my things and move out of my apartment. My depression/binge drinking couch locked me for 3 days and I never returned to the job I've managed to hold for the past two and a half years. Now it is the day my rent is due and I only have about a third of the money. I will have to email my landlord who I'm sure will not be pleased, as he was contacted by my boss when I didn't return to work or answer anyone's calls for over a week. I have a ticket that needs to be paid in the next 3 days that is an additional $300 that I don't have, and if I don't pay it I will lose my license and potentially have a warrant out for my arrest. I took out a payday loan knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to repay it today(which would have been my payday had I kept my job). My bank account is $200 overdrawn and my credit card is over the limit. I let my car insurance lapse and I have 3 other bills that are due that I haven't even thought about paying. I am just so stressed out. I know I am doing this to myself but I can't seem to turn it around. I just want to take a bunch of sleeping pills, pull the blanket over my head and sleep forever. The only pleasant thoughts I have these days are my dreams, partially because I can't make sense of or remember them. I feel like I've said enough for today. Just trying to make it through the day until bedtime.