somehow i am going to have to get some of the crap that i have had pent up in me out. i guess i might as well try journaling again. i know i can talk to jason but sometimes i dont know exactly what it is im trying to say and i dont have to explain myself to a computer.

the weird thing about me starting my journal now is that i am actually feeling better than i have in a while. for days i have been an emotional wreck… crying over anything, fussing at s****** over anything, and i was terrified to have b***** come home. now i think i’m starting to realize something… having b**** gone was a part of the problem! my whole world has been out of order! in the past couple of weeks my meds were messed up, my back was hurt, b**** was gone, and a bunch of other stuff. maybe i need order in my life. im hoping thats what it is. im going to start setting a scheduel for me and the kids. maybe it will help… maybe not.

all i know is that im tired of crying all the time. im tired of hating myself and feeling like a failure to my children. sometimes i want to wait till both kids are with family and jason is at work and just go for a drive and not come back. not because i dont love them…. god knows i love them. i honestly believe i think things like that because i love them so much. what mom honestly would want to stick around and talk down to her daughter or son making them feel stupid all the while knowing how briliant they are. i know how great those babies are. i know that with all of my heart… so why??? why am i so hateful sometimes?! its like i can see myself doing it the whole time i scream at them or i talk down to them. its like im sitting inside my own head watching it happen and i dont know how to stop. i just want to grab that woman thats doing those things… i want to slap her and i want to hit her and i just want to tell her if she doesnt get a grip now that those beautiful children will grow to hate her with all their heart.. i know they will. i know it without a doubt because i hate my mother. no matter how many appologies she makes, no matter how many tears she crys i will always hate her. the saddest part of all of it though… she may some day get past it. she may some day forgive herself for how she scarred me, and i hope she can, but until i can forgive her, my heart will continue to die a little more each day. you would think that would make me fight even harder to do better by the kids. the thing is i want with every thing in me to do better by the kids but i dont know how.

wow! the more i write the more i realize im really not okay.  i may never be okay.  why did i bring them into this life.  it was so unfair to them. they are such a blessing to me and i cant appreciate that because i am so wrapped up in my own destruction.  if i dont stop this i will destroy all that is around me… or at least severely injure it.  as ive already said i know first hand how true my words are.  im the product of the same situation.

well its time to start baths so thats it for the night… i dont feel any better but maybe if i keep writing every day i will see a difference. we will just have to see…


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