Sorry i’ve not been around as much, lately, but i think i have good reason:  been pretty busy and pre-occupied, for the most part.  For whatever reason, i spun into a fret on Wednesday, over living arrangements and possible locations, since this lease is expiring in June.  Needless to say, John started helping me with searches, and easing my worries, for the time being.  i also started more lists:   what i’ll need for my next place, as i’m trying to find a place for myself and looking back over my pros/cons lists–either adding or just reading them–from time to time; and finally, the normal grocery/needs list.

i survived another session with my counselor, who’s told me her plan to begin working with me on dealing with my grief, as it’s accumulated for so many years, and never been dealt with.  She also told me we’d work at ‘my’ pace, and as slow (or not) as i need to go.  i have to say that i am feeling the more frequent meetings, to the once-a-month sessions i had before, with other counselors/therapists.  For whatever reason, every time i’ve finished a session, lately, i’ve ended it with, ….”and i know it’s not all my fault–i am not the only one at fault/to blame.”  i know a lot of that sentiment must sound like Kim’s really doing her job and reprogramming me, but to be honest, i’m trying to make myself believe it, so i keep reminding myself and continue on.  –i suppose this fits into the “if you say something often enough, and enough times, you’ll start to believe it”—  So, i’m trying.  She’s also been suggesting i contact these two groups to help with my own struggles in dealing with Shelby’s death, and the fact that it was due to an overdose. 

i know these next couple of weeks are gonna be a bit busy for me/us, so i may not get much of an opportunity to check in–but, i’ll see what i can do.  Hopefully, we’ll also get a chance to get on some of the ‘waiting lists,’ if need be, so we can find an affordable place–maybe.  i’m really tired of relocating and having to uproot myself, instead of settling in and staying put for a while.  *sigh  But, for now, it is what it is, and i have to roll with the punches, kinda.  i just HOPE i can find a place that’s not too costly and i’ll be able to stick with for a bit.  i just can’t keep going through all this moving and drama–emotionally and physically–it’s really too much for me, now.  One day, it’s gotta slow down some, doesn’t it???