I have spent the last several days wondering why I never sleep anymore unless I take pills to help me sleep or have a drink before bed. I have suffered with this for many years. The feelings are not with me everyday but at least once a month when it comes time to pay bills the depression kicks into overdrive. It is now the end of April and I sit here wide awake just constantly thinking of my old life, old friends, things that have no meaning anymore to me but seem to never leave my mind when I am trying fall asleep. I don't know what this all means. I am short with loved ones and I have no desire to be active in ways that I know I should be. I am finally getting married at 37 years old to a great guy who treats me like a queen. I love him dearly but my depression keeps our physical life to a minimum and when we do get together I just sit and hope it is quick so I can be alone once again. All these feelings of sadness over nothing importaint is causing me to feel depressed and anxious because my brain says go but my body says no way.  I take medication for it it helps but my brain never shuts off and that is the one thing that I wish would just go away so I can relax. I love my life, I love the few people that are in it, but I am not happy with myself. I have Chrone's disease and I am constantly tired or in pain so that keeps me in the depressed state for long periods of time also. People tell me just to move past it but it takes to much effort to even get out of bed sometimes. I know by next week I will be feeling better and this night will be behind me , I just want to stop worrying about things that everyone in the world is suffering with and just say it is what it is and just live, but how do I do it, how do I not let these feelings take over me.

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