Listening to my music. It usually makes me feel better. But, not tonight. I am a mess, and someone I care about broke a promise today when I needed him to come through for me. I guess I am pretty selfish sometimes, but promises are pretty damn important, especially when you know it means a lot to the other person. And beyond that, this person has not done much to act like he cares about having hurt me, or what I dealt with on my own because of it.
Maybe I am just ridiculously selfish and self-centered. Very possible… but, I am still pissed.
Totally unrelated: I am too young to know so many people who have died. Too many young people… there was a guy who everyone called War Baby at outpatient who always tried to flirt with me. He was a nut and I was of course otherwise engaged, but he was a funny one. He disappeared one day, and they found him in the back of a car a couple days later. He had OD’d or done some bad stuff – not sure which.
"Round here, we always stand up straight
Round here, something radiates"
They built an addition to the police station. Now it is even closer to my house. Guess I should feel safer.
I hung out with Mags today. That was nice but I am still in a rut. Not ready, psychologically, to shoot tomorrow, or to do anything else. I feel like someone cut my hamstring, and I am hobbled.
"She parks her car outside my house, takes her clothes off
Says she’s close to understanding Jesus
She knows she’s more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she’s nervous"
Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Sometimes I feel like the world would be no different if that happened. Sometimes I just want to stop feeling everything. I used to be able to do that. Turn off all the unpleasant stuff, or at least turn it down. To be aware, but unaffected. That’s such bliss when you hate yourself and your life.
I am not usually that miserable anymore.
"She says ‘it’s only in my head
She says, ‘I know, it’s only in my head.’
But the girl on the car in the parking lot says
‘Man you should try to take a shot
Can’t you see my walls are crumbling?’
She looks up at the building, says she’s thinking of jumping
She says she’s tired of life
She must be tired of something
She’s always on my mind
Hey man, we got lots of time"
(Counting Crows, "Round Here")
I know tomorrow might seem different. I know it will probably be okay. I know I have been doing better lately, and that I should cling to that knowledge when things get like this. That I should draw a meditation tree, or write out an inventory of my thoughts and actions today – the things I do when I get particularly manicky or depressive. But, I just can’t. I was in so much pain last night. I could not sleep until after 5am. Miserable… hurting so much. I wanted to sleep so badly. I cursed the fact that I can’t just eclipse my pain in the time it takes to set up and hit. I can’t think these things. I can’t type these things. I have to stop. I have been teetering on unstable lately. Doing so much better in general, but it has all been so fragile and precarious, and I feel like I could miss a step at any time and wind up flat on my face.
I feel like a failure and a joke. A bad joke…
I feel doomed.