I'm 105 days cut free, I haven't purged since June, and I eat everyday now. It sounds like I'm doing great, but as it's getting more into the winter months I can feel my progress slipping away, the other day while watching tv I looked down at the plate of chips I was snacking on and realized the entire time I was chewing and spitting. It used to be such a bad habit for me that I didn't even realize I was doing it, it felt normal. I was so upset with myself I almost cut, instead I referred to the rubber band trick. I've been relying more on that lately, but it's seeming to help less and less. I keep telling myself "Just make it to 100 days and you'll feel good about yourself." I said the same thing about 10 days, about 50 days, 80 days, and it does keep me going until that goal but every time I hit my target I can't help but feel it's pointless.

What has me really worried is that if I do slip and cut I know it'll be horrible. Every time I relapse or even just mess up it's worse than when I quit. The cuts get bigger and deeper, thinking about them gives me shivers. I want it so bad my skin itches for it, I get excited in that horrible anxious yet desperate way just thinking about it. I try to push it out of my mind, but the dark thoughts just creep back in, especially if I've just eaten. This is probably because I'm at my highest weight in almost two years. I try to stop but thoughts like "You're a fat horrible mess" and "You deserve to die for being such a lazy disgusting failure" tend to pop up increasingly. I look at my legs and think about how beautiful they would be if they were just a bit thinner, I imagine them tiny and covered in more scars then they already have and I want it so bad. I don't think I can resist the temptation too much longer without some kind of real help.

Another major factor besides my weight is my work. I recently switched from working 40 hours a week on night shift to working 45 hours on morning shift. Even though the increase isn't that big, I have to wake up at 3:30 am every morning for work and it's getting to be tiring. Another problem with my new schedule is I thought it would give me more time with my love but now I only get to see him 2-3 times a week even though we live together. It really sucks because I have no friends (not an exaggeration, just honest) and he's the only person I really talk to so now I'm getting very lonely. So really it's a combination of increased stress, weight, alone time and dramatically decreased social time, sleep, and emotional support. I can't switch back to night shift because the position has been filled and I need to money from morning shift.

It's getting to the point where I'm thinking about suicide a lot again even though I know it's irrational, and I'm feeling a lot more disconnected from the world. For me isolation = cutting, no food, and a complete lack of caring about myself. I know it's getting to that point but contrary to all my emotions and dark thoughts, I want to get better. I want to get past this. I need help and I don't really know what to do. I have no insurance and can't afford a doctors visit. I feel like I'm completely fucked.