ive probably gone a little over board with this one guys.

A little catch up. If your new im 29 years old I have no kids, no partner, and im currently winging it at life, like everyone else with no sense of direction. Anyways, my point is i come from a small very suffocating town where there is no way of making a decent or dignifying way if making money.

I took a risk and started this new job that is in the the blue collar realm. I work outside in all kinds of weather and around countless influences. Meaning ive come across alot of temptations in my journey since i started this job.

Ive travel from town to town and have had many experiences that have completely changed who i am. Some days im waking up in a hotel, in a AirBNB & sometimes I hate to admit it but in someone elses home. I smoke countless bowls when im off work and spend at least $200 on THC. Not to mention everytime i get off work I open beer and then cook.

My drinking hasn’t gotten far enough for me not to control it yet. However, I did do something I sincerely regret. Ive been feeling very numb being away from home. Somedays its like my family forgets about me. Its like some days they even enjoy me not around. Anyways moral of it im a bit hurt by that and feel secluded. Im starting to fill that hole with drinks again.

Until i took it to far and did something with a guy from a bar. We got intimate but he also offered me another kind of substance. The one that goes up your nose. It was my first ever encounter of it being offered like that to me in private where I didn’t have eyes on me. I thought about and was honestly curious because here I was 29 years old not knowing what this experience was like.

In my honest option I wish i could have told myself that I didn’t need to take it that far but I did. The feeling and experience lives in my brain since then. I have more to this story but I will have to share that another time. If i remember. I regret it so much. I have touched it since but sometimes i catch myself thinking about it. And when I think about I make myself run at the gym after work.

In a way im punishing myself in the gym everytime I think about it. Because I truly took it to far out of my comfort zone. I am trying to train myself to not be so easily influenced. I dont always know who I am but i know myself well enough to know i need to work on my discipline.

please be kind in the comments im beating myself up already