Finally admitting to myself I have a problem has been hard. I have ignored it for so long but I hate who I have become. I have always tried to be the best person I can. I can't sleep at night and when I do Its never well, I feel so alone like not one person understands.

I had to admitt there was a problem after my alcohol abuse had caused me to full out with a majority of my family due to my vile behaviour which I don't feel is the real me. I also find I am always on and off with my boyfriend. I love him so much but when I am down I just want him, my family and everyone to just go away. He is so supportive but I still feel like no one gets me and how I can be so sure on something when I am feeling ok, then I think about it and what the responses are to something I say and get upset by harmless comments or angry or paranoid. I don't know if anyone else goes through this? I do not want to die but some times I simply just want to disappear… It's so confusing I have so many things I think about and want to talk about but I struggle with how to say them and who too as I don't want to be negative or make anyone worry about me.

With those closest to me, especially my boyfriend when I feel passionate about something I can't channel my emotions or even think I just flip and say horrible things. I am really having trouble with my self and he is the most amazing trusting guy but I get paranoid over nothing with him and then get angry at him for nothing.

I have the doctors Friday and have not been yet but I know I am head screwed and that's making me worse as I think so much and say a lot but I still feel I can't say what I am feeling.