I apologize for being gone for so long. As I write this, it is 11:12pm on Wednesday, April 2. Last Tuesaday, March 25, I was admitted to the hospital for suicide attempt and I was just discharged today.
I knew that night that there were people in my life that told me I could go to them whenever I was feeling depressed and whenever I needed something, but there was one person in particular that I was hoping would be there for me when I needed them. This person told me that they loved me and that they would be here for me whenever and wherever I needed them, right up to the moment I attempted suicide. But as soon as I was bleeding on the bathroom floor, feeling lightheaded and too tired to keep my head up, they bailed. That person told me I was stupid and unintelligent and made me feel worse about myself. They threatened to tell my parents and then put me out of their life for good. I was rushed to the ER, soaking in my own blood, struggling to stay awake while choking on tears over the loss of the best friend I ever had in my life.
12 hours later, after I was cleaned and put back together, I was admitted into their mental health facility down the street. There I spent 8 of the longest days of my life sleeping, going to groups, and staring out the window. I felt like I had not only completed a chapter of my life, but closed the book and was faced with the daunting task of starting a whole new one, which is essentially what I'm doing. I built my life around one person for the past three years, spanning from my teen years into my adult years. I'm 20 years old and I'm just now having to learn how to live my life as a free, untethered adult. I know it could have been longer, but I made the transition from high-school student to college student about three years ago- I missed a big step there, especially since this person that I was living my life with is two years younger than me, making them 18 now.
There were some major differences in this hospital stay and the one I had three years ago when I was a senior in high school. Three years ago, I had attempted suicide but it was so sloppy it didn't even come close to being successful. This time, I was so close I could taste it. I know some people panic at thatpoint and some people decide they still want death- but I was somewhere inbetween. Even until my almost-last-moments, the angel on my shoulder argued with the demon on the other side. Also this time, I actually feel like I'm walking away as a changed person, or at least as someone that knows what they have to do next. I know that I need to learn how to live my life for myself and do things that I like based simply on the fact that I like them. I need to live and have fun because 20 is still really young. In order to settle down, you need to have something to settle down from and I haven't even done anything huge yet. It's a time for adventures, a time for living for ME.
This is the second full day in a row that I've felt this positive about what I can do for myself and that is a HUGE improvement from where I was at. The 5 new additions to my medicine cabinet doesn't hurt, either. I can honestly say that I'm glad I lived through this and that I can show the world that no one has power over me. I'm in charge here and I say what can and can't affect me. There are people out there that honestly and truly care, I just need to immediately recognize when someone in my life doesn't have my best interests at heart.
I hope all of you here continue to reach out to other and to get help for yourself, because if you really go at it and believe it, you CAN self-realize and find reason to go on. I know this monster in me isn't totally dead and there will be days, sooner or later, where I feel like it's the deciding factor in my life. Cutting in itself is an addiction and we'll have to wait and see if I can quit cold turkey.I will continue to come on here daily and hang out with all of you wonderful people. I just hope and pray that things can be different this time around, or at least for a longer amount of time.
Thank you to everyone on here that's been there for me and given me support, it truly means the world to me.