Okay, so its ben along time since i've vented, so I have alot to vent!
The last couple of months have been so tough, I've struggled to pull through on many levels. I have a 'relaps' and started planning suicide again and I cut. I cut worse than ever before,. Now i have more scares to hide. trouble is these are on my legs, so now I will have to go though summer wearing jeans and full lengh trousers and, say good bye to any chance of going swimming or tanning my legs in the sun.
I don't even know why I relapsed, everything was going fine, more than fine tbh. It like every time something good is happenening in my life, something has to spoil it. Its usually me that spoils it.
Its funny how one negative thought can affect your whole perspective to life. It only takes one negative thought to make me think life has no meaning but 1000s of possitive thoughts to overcome that one negative thought.
I'm sooooooo STRESSED! My exams are like next month and whist everyone is getting on revsing i'm trying to sort my life out. I can't concentrate on exams when my life is such a mess. I know i just need to put everything in past to rest but i can't. People expect me to be able to forget what has happened and how it has affected me in the past, pressent and future! Noone really gets it. I've never been able to talk about my feelings, and now I know i can i can't stop talking about it. Its funny, after so many years of thinking noone needs to know that something affects me or i'm upset about something, that now everytime something happens in life i have to talk to someone or i just get overwhelmed and do something stupid.
I've suffered from depression for like 2 years now but i only got diognosed like 4 months ago with major depression. I don't like talking about much cause to me, feeling like this is normal, before i was diagnosed i didn't think anything was wrong with me, i just had more negative thoughts than everyone else or that i was stupid for letting things get to me when noone else would get upset over it. But like now i feel like i'm not apart of society cause i'm DIFFERENT, i have to take pills to stop me from doing something stupid and to live each day with some sort of smile on my face. Its like i've got a big warning label printed across me saying 'Warning approch carefully mental person here' 🙁 I hate that when i'm in class that i'll start crying randomly when nothing is the matter as such and everyone asks whats up if i wanna talk and stuff but i don't, there is nothing to talk about. I now have a 'time out card' which means i can just get out of class when i need to so i dont have to sit in class with everyone crowding me asking whats wrong.
It was my mums birthday last week, and i couldn't even bring myself to go and see her. i didn't give her a card or a presant. I know it sounds really bad, but i can't let her see my like this. As i now live with my dad i don't really see her much anymore she hasn't seen me at my worst, i don't want her to see me the way i am. Plus i physically can't on into her house anymore. So many things have happeened in that house it haunts me. That is the house where i tried to kill myself in twice, that is the house when I cut my self so much that i had to have stitches. Every time i go there i have flash backs. they are so real, its scary.
I've recently had these flash backs and stuff in my dreams. well i would call them more nightmeers. Apparently i've been sleep talking and i sound terrified and in my dreams i'm seeing every thing bad that has ever happen over and over again and it won't stop. I don't like going to sleep anymore cause every night i will have the same dream over and over. I don't know what to do about them, i can't stop myself falling asleep can I, i neeed to sleep to function properly. the drreams are so clear, it's like i'm acctually there in the moment. I hate it, i hate myself for even thinking about it. I was so stupid. Why couldn't i have just died it would have saved a hell of a lot of hurt and pain! 🙁
Gosh i don't think i can talk about anymore, i'm getting tearful and down just talking about it. 🙁 Well have a good Easter everyone. x